Tomorrow I am doing a talk at my friend’s spiritual health and well-being fair, Souls Awakening. I felt I had to volunteer myself for it towards the end of last year, even though I was in the shittttttest of shitty stressful times, heavily pregnant, essentially homeless, hating on life and angrily daydreaming ways to singlehandedly take down the state. I survived (so did the state) and I still don’t know much about what I’m going to say tomorrow. If I stand there whole-heartedly and talk as freely as I’m able, I know what needs to be heard will come out, because it’s happened before on many occasions…but it’s a little bit daunting…
Friends and strangers alike will attend the talk, thinking I know what I’m going to talk about if I’m standing in front of them, talking at a public event with my subject advertised in advance. My subject is simply ‘how to let go of your suffering’, but that’s such a ridiculously impossible subject to fit into 30 minutes! Then people might assume I think I’m done letting go or that its even possible to just erase it all and skip away into the sunset. I’m not done! Some days I fucking suck at it. I also look ridiculous skipping.
If it were an essay I’d have written 99890 words over the 2000 limit, even if I’d planned it out, because the more I think about what to say the more vast the subject feels. What I am basically going around the houses to say is, I should be shitting a brick about possibly looking like an utter idiot tomorrow, when I fall flat on my face and stare out at expectant eyes with nothing to give them, because I’m so unorganised that I don’t even know what time my talk even is!
But I’m not (much) because I know this shit. I know alllll about the stuff we all drag around with us that gets in the way of our worth, and I know about many ways to work it out (some are great and some really, really suck!). I know I can ramble on and I know when there’s a greater good, the universe never leaves you hanging if you take a leap of faith.
To be quite honest, tomorrow was my way of forcing myself to step up to the plate whether I strike out or not. In true me style, I’ve left it to the very last minute to finish my homework. I asked to do the talk so I had no choice but to try and heal all year, and I’m ignoring the internal dialogue about failing and fucking up the talk because I’m clearly not done working on myself.
I’m ignoring it because none of us are done, not until we are all done. We all are in it together and I’m inviting you on a virtual road trip into the sunset…
We’re on a road to nowhere and nothings gonna stop us now.
(What a weird ass song medley that’d be!!)