Passion – labour is not always fruitful

Call me a masochist, but it has been a revelation to my recent ‘self’ that you don’t have to always focus on the shitty, painful crappy things. That’s pretty obvious really, I suppose. What I actually mean is that I have very recently been learning that if you want to be able to work through traumatic and troublesome experiences in our past, present and future, then we need to focus more on expanding our capacity for pleasure.

That sounded backwards to me at first, and counter intuitive. I’ve had ‘solutions focused therapy’ training before, I knew that if you want to solve a problem you don’t focus on the problem, you focus on finding a solution. I knew this old chestnut too….

We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.

Albert Einstein

The bit I didn’t know was that perhaps thinking was the problem, as much as finding only problems where there could be pleasure is a problem. It seems more and more obvious, the more I am learning: the deeper the injury, the greater the healing balm needs to be to counter it. The more we have to heal, the better we need to learn to focus on any bit of good (or even just less bad) to anchor ourselves in this present moment. These ideas come from Somatic Experiencing and its founders, with those roots coming from ROLFing (I believe).

I wrote in my last blog post about Magamama and her free course I had embarked upon. It held mind-mindblowingly simple information that would change the whole world if only we could all embrace it. It reached me on such a level that I had to find the funds to start one of her paid courses. In doing so, I feel like I have been given back parts of my self I didn’t even know I had never met. Forever will I be grateful for this new area of information to digest and assimilate into my life.

I’ve offered to show some bits to friends, as it was said it was OK to use the material to help our loved ones work with us on our healing paths. Nobody seems to wish to engage, no matter how much I rave about how awesome it is. Its made me realise that some people may hold the view that I had held for so long – that healing and growth needs to be painful, sometimes excruciatingly so, or else you’re doing it wrong. Also that its not a life long set of practices, but a measurable task that you can check off a to do list – like Yo, I am all growthed up now, totally done in here and now I can just go all about my life being the lit up, growthed person I am with no skeletons in my closet.

And thats just bollocks. We don’t need to suffer anywhere near a 1/4 as much as we do often. Equally, we don’t need to hard pass and run a mile from opportunities for self reflection, responsibility and healing as much as we do. When we have the right tools and the right people around us, at the right time and when we feel safe enough… the doors just open. We don’t have to force ourselves into perfection. We just have to come home to exactly where we are, and to get acquainted with that place. And I don’t mean with mindfulness.

I mean bodyfulness.

That’s what I have been learning about since I last posted and I think its going to change my life forever, and anyone elses’ who will listen. I had absolutely NO idea how to be in my body. I am frequently completely unaware of it, of how my shoulder feels, of the buzz behind my knee, the warmth of my left calf and the breeze on my forehead. I don’t pay attention to where my body is, where I am, in the space I inhabit. Whats around me, what’s in my environment, what’s going on inside and outside of me right now. Even more so, I had absolutely no recent experience of seeking out what felt GOOD. Or just less bad. Past experience, a little but not much to do with my body and presence.

These words aren’t my ideas for the record, they’re my poor job of trying to very vaguely summarise small snippets of what I am learning here Jaguar Course. But for me, the gist is that how the hell can we heal our pasts and change our futures if we’re never really ‘here’, and never actually enjoying anything? We’re part animal, but we’re so desperate to distance ourselves from that, that we’re walking about with one foot in this world and the rest of us flailing about in trauma and misery or the pursuit of unattainable happiness behind moving goal posts. What is the point of this Earthly life, where we are ‘spiritual beings living a material life’, if we’re not truly here in this material place, in these incredible, intelligent bodies that are manifest solely (soulely) by source consciousness, the same stuff that makes our souls soul-y. If we aren’t going to be in our bodies, if we aren’t here to anchor in and settle down some beautiful, wonderful energies into this Earth, then why did we bother Being at all?

And if you’re of the mind that there is no soul, there is no collective consciousness, there is no purpose, then why not make the most of life too and expand your capacity for pleasure? I’m very grateful to Kimberly Johnson for that invitation, and for the information.

Expand your capacity for pleasure.

This subject is too big to fit in a blog, really, but I encourage you to look into taking the course or working with a Somatic Experiencing practitioner… or stick around when I expand on the changes it’s bringing into my life. I started it because I wanted to address trauma and stuckness, to free myself some how from my past cycles. It is doing that, but not in the way I expected. What I have learned is that our nervous systems constantly seek out opportunities to heal our traumas, which explains why people go full speed towards situations that are just going to repeat for them the same problems they thought they’d outrun. Its why we pick the same relationships, or return to or recreate harmful situations, or repeat painful habits. Our systems get stuck in trauma loops and are constantly seeking circumstances that offer us the opportunity to finish dealing with the threat or danger properly. We are constantly trying to rescue ourselves through other people and places and things.

This course has given me tools to finish trauma cycles that are embedded into my very existence. It is a code breaker. A prison key. A brand new way of being!

More excitingly, it made me permit myself to start enjoying life again. AND I started writing my novel!


Its Yule, or winter solstice, here in the Northern Hemisphere. The shortest hours of daylight in the year and tomorrow marks the return of the light. I am welcoming that with big massive bells on!! There is also a full moon, a meteor shower and I just finished my second period in two years. LET IT ALLLLLLLL GO!!!!!!

I have been seeing a chiropractor to help with both historic and pregnancy related pain. There is physical, mental and emotional shite trapped in my bones, joints, muscles, tendons – all over the bloody shop – and I’ve decided to get some help for the stuff I can’t reach myself. Its like stirring up the murky bit at the bottom of a pond – it looked clear, but give it a stir and all hell breaks loose and you can’t see clearly. Throughout last night I experienced what I can only describe as a swarm of bees and electricity jolting through the tissue in my body. It needed to be wiggled and stretched out. The sensation is horrid, but the release and the freedom, the sense of greater clarity and better movement – both physically and spiritually – are worth the shit bits.

I waffle on about that, because that’s what has kept me from writing for a while. On my phone, since the last post, I have had notes about ‘cycles’. That is what I wanted to write about next. Cycles are the problem though, because this cycle of saying I want to write, but not writing is doing my swede in. I am doing my own swede in with my excuses! I tell myself I need the inspiration to write, and I do write better when I have it, but food also tastes better when I want it most and that doesn’t lead to me not eating any other time. Thats just stupid. Excuses are stupid. Self deceit about the reasons we aren’t getting things done… Get real wit’ yo’ self! What are the deep, dirty, dark, hidden or obvious reasons behind your self sabotage?

Beyond that is our ‘truth’, our worthiness, and that is probably where we actually want to be. There are so many things that can get in the way of us getting where we intend to go. Sometimes we have to check in with ourselves, perhaps frequently we should check in with ourselves, to determine if we feel like we are being true to ‘us’. Perhaps we should regularly problem solve any obstacles or resistance we are facing internally or externally and figure out what that shit is all about.

I’m still reading the series of books called Conversations with God. In them it is often said that we are given the experience of what we are not, of what we don’t want, of where we don’t want to be, simply so that we can experience who we truly are. And to experience creating that, of course… As ‘the creator’. That is to say, who we are, and what everything else is, is in constant motion – it is an active, continuous, participatory creative process. Driven by us, either consciously or not. We actively choose, in every single moment, who we are. Are we choosing mindlessly or mindfully? Are we happening to the world or is the world happening to us? Are we making our mark or are we being marked? Are we aware of what we are creating or should we beware of what we have created?

It can be hard to get your head around how we aren’t permanent, but are constantly shaping who we are. Example. One day we are not a pianist, we are not even interested in becoming one. In future we become interested and then we become a student. We keep practicing if we like it. We choose how long for and the level we reach. Perhaps we become a master pianist or we just play well for fun. Maybe we never got that great… but that is a small example of a changing identity. One facet of self. It is easy to see how we chose to add in this new part of ‘us’ though. Because we desired it actively.

Another facet, or many, come from our struggles and suffering. When we are in a terrible or sad situation, we might feel we aren’t coping, then once we pass through it we might feel shell shocked. Perhaps after time we feel strong for overcoming it. Maybe we resent it or maybe we feel like a warrior, but all through that process we were shifting ideas about who we are in relation to the experience. When you add lots of those experiences that shapes us even more. The ‘who’ we feel in any given moment also affects the ‘how’ of our behaviour. It changes our ‘why’ too – how we do things and why we do them. What we believe, desire, feel, think and do… they’re all shaped and shifted constantly by the ‘who’ we feel that we are as we navigate our way through our life experiences. Anything that comes to us from this creative process might feel less like a choice. This kind of stuff feels more like the world happening to ‘us’ and us adapting to ‘it’. We can participate more fully and have more control over how we experience who we are.

Our sense of a continuous self comes from choosing what to keep in the story we tell about, well, our self… our life. Our past, present and future can change completely and utterly, solely based on who we believe we are. We can tell the story of our life as a victim one day, and a survivor the next. Farther down the path we might not include either role in our story. We might not include that part of the story at all! Facts may not alter, but perspective can totally shift our reality and instantaneously alter the direction of our lives. For better or worse. It can keep us stuck or set us free.

The difference between a master and a student is that the master can purposely create what they desire without fail. They are constantly creating themselves as the best they can be, endlessly choosing to see past any obstacle to their mastery. The God Conversation is basically about how we are creators with massive power to dictate how we experience ourselves and everything else, and that there is only one thing to do in life…experience who we truly are. And that if we are creators, we can create ourselves within only the confines of our mind. If we can master our mind… we can choose anything.

If you could experience yourself as your grandest idea, who would you be? What, if anything, is in your way?

Can you choose to be them?

A poem about choice