Roots, Bloody Roots!

This photo does absolutely fuck all justice to how impossible it was to break down and remove this giant, deeply anchored lump of concrete. (And this blog borrowed it’s title from the Sepultura song of the same name!) The photo is the foundation of my garden path. My awesome friends have been helping me remove it (THANK YOU!) It’s taken around 15 hours in total to break it, it’s foundations and the metal rods, but this bitch of a lump was not coming out. The rods mostly got broken off and the mound became smaller, but it was proving impossible.

This was only a small task in comparison to the rest of the work I have to do. It has been essential that I’ve asked for help, because it’s not something I could have done safely by myself. Toddlers on your back and swinging sledgehammers onto concrete…. Don’t do it!

When this small but seemingly monumental task began, I remembered thinking that it felt really symbolic considering all the ongoing work I’ve been doing over the last few years- work to try and reconnect with my center, to dig deep and sift through all the baggage and trauma and shadows that lurk inside of myself. Removing this giant, slightly dangerous and unsightly path that I’d never have opted for felt like a finale to trying to unpick the parts of myself that never were mine to begin with. I know its time to build my own path, no excuses and only personal responsibility for where I end up.

As I was watching the pitchfork get more bent up from loosening brick and cement and iron from under the earth, I told my friends about my theory and we joked about it for the rest of the evening. It was getting less and less like a joke and more and more like it was a direct and physical manifestation of the internal struggle I’ve been going through during this blog process and prior. We joked that maybe I was meant to just bury my trauma after all and something that’s clicked a million times, but still never enough, sunk in. Perhaps because I was already hammering at my foundations and there was no other place for truth to go than to my core.

There comes a point where you can’t keep trying to erase all that was traumatic from your life and call it healing. Eventually you have to stop picking at, digging away and sledge hammering at your trauma – the parts of yourself that most need love – and realise that there’s another way of looking at burying it.

There’s building on it.

I realised. remembered, accepted… Whatever word… that once you’re done removing all of the parts of yourself that were never yours, you’re left with what’s left of who you were always meant to be. Like it or lump it. And I’ve got a great big lump of cement/trauma that I’m going to work with and love instead of trying, failing and harming myself by trying to gouge it out of my past. What’s left is me. Its here to stay.

It was suggested that I should fill the hole with loads of fertile soil and that is exactly what I’ll do. Physically and metaphorically. Spiritually and mentally. Emotionally. In all ways. Every ally. Everyone is an ally in growth.

Another beautiful friend helped me have a further huge break through today and accept that it’s ok to accept help and to be vulnerable…Of course I know that and I tell people that, but it’s so, so much easier to preach than practice. After one hell of an ego wounding and war, a constant battle of survival and self preservation after facing losing everything, I have to remember how to trust again now. Its time to read Ego/Self: a fairy tale again and to stop fucking fighting everything.. especially my self.

I started a free online course with this epic woman who I’ve never even met, but who speaks to me on such a deep level. Its not a personalised course but it’s deeply personal and such very essential understanding if we are to make healthier futures for ourselves. Its called Trauma and Transcendence with Kimberly Johnson, or Magamama on Facebook. She’s got a book and is writing more. What she has to say, what others like her have to say… Its so fucking necessary. The video you’ll be emailed by filling in the form will hopefully completely change how you view yourself and all others across all of space and time.

I want to launch into an explanation of the course but I won’t do it justice. I need to redo it over and over to let it all keep sinking in where I’m ready to meet it, but what it’s taught me most importantly is that there is a healthier and more authentic way of being in my body, and in turn my life. My body can give me better information about what’s been recorded than my mind, because the mind is subjective and the body isn’t.

If I want to fully occupy my life, if I want to fully embrace building a healthier life, I absolutely have to start by inhabiting my body completely and in the present. I’ll be looking for new ways to do that.

Time to get back to the present!

And it’s time to reconnect with the expansive, not restrictive part of my self and to remember to see others with love. Its hard to not be insular when you’ve lived in survival mode for ages. When you don’t have enough for yourself it’s so hard give and connect meaningfully with others. I think maybe it’s time to revisit the Goddess Makeover book I’ve been working on and see if I’m ready to move on to the next chakra, the sacral, which is all about connection and relationships. Sensuality and sexuality. How we connect with ourselves and others. The first was the root. Bloody root!

Good foundations build a better life. Good company makes it worth living.

The physical is always the final thing to shift. If we start as energy, which manifests into thought, which manifests into matter…. What matters if we want change is that we direct our energy to thinking more in tune with who and what we want to be, with what we already are.

If we want change, we have to stop trying and start being that change.

Like Gandhi said.

And that is the power of now…

(That one is Eckhart Tolle)

Planting, Numbers and Daring Greatly

I’ve had a bit of a layman’s obsession with numerology and seeing recurring number sequences for quite a long time now, such as 2020, 1111, 3113 and so on. Over the years I have taught myself various calculations and ways of interpreting the results. My newest venture is to learn about Chaldean numerology, which is a much, much older system than the Pythagorean one, and some people feel it is more accurate. Of course there are those who think we’re all bat shit crazy, but to each their own. Learning about this new system, (following legally changing my name with guidance from a numerological genius named Psio ) has rekindled my obsession and I’ve been learning more about all of my friends’ and family’s numbers too. Just because single parenting isn’t enough work – why not add some pointless maths?

For those with no knowledge of numerology whatsoever, but enough interest to keep reading, numerology is an occult study of the impact of numbers in our life and psychological, spiritual, physical and mental make up. Like astrology is the study of how the positioning of numerous planets, stars and asteroids affects us, numerology is a sort of numerical practice along a similar vein. It predominantly uses the date of birth and a codified way of translating letters to numbers to calculate numerical values from our names. You can also work out other dates, house numbers and any numbers you see often or repeatedly, as mentioned above. I find it very fascinating and so do some of my friends. Others get really annoyed with me when I attempt to reduce everything to maths, especially because I suck at maths.

The numbers have characteristics, like the zodiac does. You have five core numbers (and much more) from your name and date of birth and these are considered to be the most influential, albeit not the only influences. They give insight into things like personality, what natural skills we might possess, themes that span our life and what challenges or obstacles we might face. I use them like information check points, or sign posts to help me understand how to grow, why I’m stuck or what I think ‘the universe’ (or my higher self) is trying to tell me by the things I notice more than others.

I had already known some of the info I learned tonight, but when I originally learned it, I did not understand the significance until now. Looking at the lives and numbers of others’ around me has made me much more aware of why I have been relentlessly stuck on the same lessons, seemingly aimlessly, for my whole life. You know, other than the fact that I don’t bloody learn and just do the same shit over and over and expect different results whilst not really aiming to arrive anywhere. *Side note: I once posted on facebook that this was the definition of insanity and a beautiful, kind friend replied that it could be an optimist too!* I have only two challenge numbers in my chart: zero and four. I have 4 three times, actually. The only other person I have looked at so far who has this same weird challenge pattern is my daughter. Zero then three of the same number for the rest of our lives. My father has a similar pattern but not quite the same. Everyone else’s has some variation. Not us. Nope!

What this means for me, is that for the first thirty odd years of my life, I had no pre dictated purpose – a zero – I had a free run to grow or screw up as much as I wished. I could have done the self mastery and great achievement thing, but instead I seemed to do the chaos route, or some sort of butterfly effect amateur dramatics (nearly a pro) and accidentally, only occasionally, got a little bit of self mastery out of it. Perhaps self awareness is more accurate. I have the next few decades for mastery. And I guess that is my punishment and reward – for the next 60 plus years, I get to work really hard to put all of the lessons and losses of the first thirty years to good use. Three cycles of 4…. lots and lots and lots of work!!! I also can hopefully prepare my daughter to use her time more wisely, but seeing as she has a lifetime of 1 challenge – a number strongly connected to leadership – and a life path of five – the number of freedom and adventure – I doubt I’ll have much power to sway or tame her. That pleases and terrifies me.

Below is a write up for the challenge numbers I am facing, as the pro’s say it better than me, and you can learn more about them here: https://feliciabender.com/pinnacles-and-challenge-numbers/

The 0 Challenge is called the Cipher Number. This number represents all or nothing, empty or full. You decide. With this number, you are given “a free pass,” so to speak. You’re being offered an enhanced dose of free will.

If you have a 0 Challenge, you can choose to amble idly along without a determined course or you can grab this profound opportunity to rise above your demons and achieve greatness. That is how powerful this energy can be for your Pinnacle. When you see a 0 in Numerology, it serves as an amplifier. To meet the challenge of the 0 vibration, you must have some sense of mastery over the constructive aspects of all the other numbers: independence, leadership, creativity, emotional self-expression, diplomacy, application, hard work, understanding, responsibility, wisdom, personal power, and humanitarian vision

It’s suggested that a person who has a 0 Challenge number on their journey is a well traveled soul, so the 0 offers opportunities for you to use your compilation of soul knowledge during your lifetime.

There’s great opportunity for expansion and growth under this Challenge. The obstacles you face during a 0 challenge may not be many or they may be coming at you from all directions. You can think of it this way: This is the Challenge of Choice. Therefore, choice feels more confusing and difficult during this period. The 0 is challenging you to have the utmost faith in your own abilities to the extent that you can form a healthy sense of detachment with which you can analyze a situation, make a choice, and then act on that choice with ease and comfort, unconcerned and neutral in feeling regarding the outcome.

Felicia Bender https://feliciabender.com/pinnacles-and-challenge-numbers/

And number four (for 60+more years!!):

When you’re met with a Number 4 Challenge, you are meant to learn about the value of discipline, organization, practicality, hard work, and thrift. Take this to heart: This isn’t an easy challenge. It’s full of restrictions and limitations that are demanding you learn how to succeed and work within these boundaries.

It’s also a time where you’re challenged with learning to set your own personal boundaries with others, learning to temper impatience, stubbornness, narrow-mindedness, and self-righteousness. With the 4 Challenge, you are being pulled to slow down, create a clear plan with obtainable goals, and then work tirelessly to achieve them.

The 4 Challenge also suggests a difficulty with work. Either you are challenged with not wanting to work at all, not liking the work you are “forced” to do, or problems completing tasks and working with efficiency. You may also exhibit tendencies to be careless and lack a sense of practicality. With this number, it’s difficult not only to focus on work and obligations, but equally as difficult even to see what the real issues surrounding work and obligations are. You might not feel that you’re being lazy. You might feel you’re just unlucky. Or make excuses about it. You get the idea.

With a 4 Challenge, it’s vital to learn patience, understanding, and the practical and effective way to deal with what you might consider mundane responsibilities. You’ll most likely also be challenged to learn the importance of working within the parameters of a time schedule, showing up on time and when you say you will, and managing your downtime constructively.

Felicia Bender https://feliciabender.com/pinnacles-and-challenge-numbers/

Revisiting my challenge numbers tonight gave me one of those blindingly obvious epiphanies, the kind containing knowledge that should have been accessible day to day throughout life. Perhaps it sounds a little nuts to even type this out loud (so to speak) on a blog about self growth and development and what not. Here it is anyway.

This isn’t a dress rehearsal – this is life. If I don’t step up now, I might never!

Tonight I realised with all of my being that if I do not put in the work, I will always be in this place of only talking about what I want to achieve. At some point, I need to stop talking about all the challenges I’ve overcome and all the things I have learned and actually do something with that shit. Seeing that I have 60 more years of the same damn lessons, I guess I’d better evolve. Like a Pokemon or something. Always the same Pokemon deep down, just a better version, wisening with experience, and only ready for play when freed from their little pokeball. What were they called again? pokepod? Pokedome? My talents are not in video game content writing, that’s for sure. I need to break out of my pokeball!

In other words…. step the fuck outside the box. Level up. DO SOMETHING!

Spring has made me powerfully aware that it is time to bloom. Single parenting has made me feel powerfully stuck in autumn and winter mode, though. Shedding and hibernating and eating lots of cake! Thats not strictly true, actually. I have actually been sweating rivers digging up my front garden, planting bulbs, painting fences, cleaning, clearing, rearranging and sorting out the house and trying to maintain my yoga, meditation and gratitude practices. I have been eating lots of cake though. The ‘healthy eating’ is so much of a struggle for me. The apple cider vinegar was seemingly triggering some weird histamine issue so I have stopped that to reset and I WILL RESUME. I have been using homeopathy to try and start off from a better place. I’ll write about that some other time – its been quite profound.

Writing that I WILL eat healthily has just reminded me of this old thing I used to write, where for years I wrote about stopping and starting and stopping and starting and stopping and starting smoking. I just couldn’t bloody stop, for the life of me. But I have now! For over 2 years, longest ever. So the moral of the story is that if I write about it for long enough, eventually I can do it. I WILL EAT WELL. I will do something with all of my hard work already clocked.

I have started to learn about gardening lately because I want a much more visually obvious manifesting lesson to my self: the more work you put in, the more rewards you reap. Simultaneously, nature reminds me that there are seasons for a reason. We can’t always hibernate and hide away eating pie. I want to see more instant results, more fruits of my labours. I am practicing my fours. Im getting ready to burst out of my pokeball and get in the poke-arena.

Incidentally, a few years ago I became aware of Brené Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability. I remembered watching it and thinking “this!!! This is exactly what I’ve been learning to do – having the courage to be imperfect and knowing I’m worthy of love and belonging”. I found her talk on Listening to Shame, years later, after having to try and understand why it was so hard to grow at times. This just popped into my head because all her work is marvellous and she now has a Netflix original program called the Call to Courage, which I watched the other night. Somehow this stranger lady is always there calling me out on my shit and inviting me to participate in my life more fully. And it is there on Netflix still, inviting us all to date greatly, and she based so much of her work on Theodore Roosevelt’s quote.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt, April 23, 1910

Time to get back in the arena and get my Pokemon on!

Procrasti-wasting

It’s bloody hard work to commit to yourself when you hang out with a one year old for twenty four hours a day! Starting this blog was meant to be a step in the direction of being more productive, but it’s actually been more a step towards chastising myself for not being productive enough. Perhaps I should cut myself some slack, because these impish little children are hard graft when you’re on your tod. I don’t think it is a fair representation to say that I don’t have time for myself to write or meditate or better look after myself. Granted I don’t have much time, though I definitely have enough to at least get started.

Why then, if I have some time, am I not using it wisely? Because I am in procrasti-waste mode! When all your time and energy goes into looking after someone or everyone else, you put off looking after yourself to catch up on things, like chores. Or if you’re me, you put off doing that to catch up on soul sucking social media or Netflix or social media again. And again. And again. And againnnn!!

Fuck you Facebook.

And fuck me for shirking my responsibility to myself for my own well being.

The real reason I shirk that responsibility, if I dig deep, is to resist change by way of remaining distracted and disengaged from life in as many ways as possible. By keeping busy or by staying still, by always thinking or doing or by avoiding tasks and changes that would actually improve things if I made the effort. We all do it, I expect. Or maybe we don’t. Maybe some folk are just super efficient at self growth and always own their shit immediately and never ever dawdle on improving their experience of things in any way they can. Maybe some can give themselves a break. Maybe some folk wash, dry, fold and put away ALL their laundry in ONE DAY! I think it’s pretty common to avoid things we know we should be doing because change is uncomfortable.

Being present with our experiences, feelings, traumas, failings, hopes and dreams can be uncomfortable, because it throws a big massive spotlight on this idea that we aren’t good enough exactly as we are. Our egos tell us we need change to be enough, and on most days nobody really wants to face that shit. So we zone out and disassociate from our not-enoughness by being mind-full. Lacking presence in the ‘now’. This moment, here, just this one. In this breath. The in breath through the nose, the out breath through the mouth… Sounding like the ocean.

Do it.

Breathe.

That presence.

This moment now.

We zone out on ourselves because we don’t know how to be present with our worthiness – we are too busy focusing on avoiding or submerging ourselves into our unworthiness. And if there are things we want to do and achieve and change in our life circumstances, how are we going to do that when we tell ourselves we’re crap?

The silence of self awareness can be deafeningly painful on some days, but allowing that space is like defragmenting your harddrive. I’m going to acknowledge my procrasti-wasting is occuring – I’m shirking my responsibility to be loving to myself no matter what, because I am failing to be present with myself and also because I am telling myself that staring gormlessly at Facebook every night in my free time is all the self care I need….

I deserve more self nurturing. So rather than chastising myself for not being productive, I am going to invite myself, and all others, to make different choices… Not because we aren’t good enough….but because we are so completely and utterly enough as we are that we deserve to enjoy that more. I’m going to see making better choices for myself as a way to remember my inherent worth instead of trying to tell myself I’m not enough.

Short term goals just for me… Daily meditation, twice weekly writing, a walk a day, more music, more mindful presence, some yoga (even if it’s just ten minutes for the first time in 15 months!!!). What are yours?

“Stop spending yourself so unwisely


“I want to talk to you about energy. I don’t mean the energy that powers your home, though that is the same thing. I don’t want to talk to you about the energy that powers your body either, though that is the same thing too. I want to talk to you about the energy that you use the most unconsciously yet the most frequently: the energy of your mind and the energy of your heart.

You invest so much of your energy in rushing around to finish everything, to get everything done, to complete your work, your chores and your tasks. You spend so much energy on doing. Whilst you’re doing all that doing you’re investing the rest of your energy on feeling and thinking, but never about what you are doing. You will think of the next thing you must do whilst feeling you haven’t enough time or feeling resentful of having to do what you’re doing simply because you’d rather be doing something else. You are using all of your energy at cross-purposes. Your thoughts send energy one way, your feelings send it another and your actions send the rest somewhere different still.

The result of this is feeling hollow. The result is feeling too stretched, too dispersed or too thinly spread. This inconsiderate use of your own energy, the currency of life, is tearing you at the seams. You are dragging and pulling yourself in opposing directions at all moments, mindlessly spending all of yourself in your search for enough completion to establish happiness. I want to tell you to stop. I want to tell you that when you stop sending all parts of yourself in different directions simultaneously you will feel whole. You will feel present and you will feel peaceful and you will find all of the answers you seek.

I feel you will misunderstand me and think this too simple a concept. It is too simple a concept, I will grant you that. I am a simple being. I promise you one thing; one day you will come to learn that nothing ever need be as complicated as you make it. These vast pressures you put upon your heart and mind are wholly unnecessary. 

I know you are busy and I know you have lots to do but I can tell you a secret: the more time and attention you give to everything you do, the more time and freedom you will find for yourself. Spend more time focusing only on what you are doing in any given moment (that is heart, body and mind) without allowing any aspect of yourself to become distracted. Try this for one day. I don’t mean try it once on one day, I mean try it for one whole day.

When you wake up tomorrow pay attention to what you think and what you feel physically and emotionally. Notice sounds, smells and sensations. Soak it all up. When you brush your teeth think only about brushing your teeth. Notice how you feel before, during and after. When you wash, dress or cook think only about what you are doing and feeling as you are washing, dressing or cooking. Whether you go to work, college or some other place, think only of your journey as you travel. When you interact with people throughout the day pay full attention to them. Really listen. Don’t think only about your reply or how to lengthen or shorten the conversation. You can think about that after you’ve listened. Really invest your energy in listening and being present. Notice your feelings and notice their feelings. Connect!

In everything you do tomorrow, connect. Totally immerse yourself in whatever you do. Ensure your heart, mind and body are all engaged at once and focused solely on that one act of doing at a time. Try this for one whole day. If you notice nothing other than how unconsciously you live every moment of your life I will be happy. You need more presence. You are spending all of your energy so unwisely that you tear holes in yourself and wonder why you are stressed and unhappy.

If you are present in everything you do, if you really practice this, I promise you life will change. I promise you that you will find every last thing you are looking for. If you start living in every moment and sending all of your three focus’ in the same direction, you will eventually find a bliss that you never dreamed possible. 

Try it. Just for one whole day.”   – channelled writing from Blue, a wonderful energy that hangs out with me from time to time

Pain suits

I might be harping on about this but if there are other angles maybe it will better resonate.

An analogy. Kinda…

I was born pure and pain free into a world that hasn’t been free from pain for a long, long, long time. Everyone I met from day one had pain. Some more than others, but everyone had endured suffering. Some wore it gracefully, others wore it honestly, some wore it with anger and vengeance, but mostly people wore it blindly.

I stored up pain. I stored up other people’s pain as my own – they instructed me on my worth, on my value, on my level of safety based on the level of comfort they had in their own pain endurance. I created a bank where I could make deposits and withdrawals of suffering as and when required. This bank had an endless supply because I could refill it as fast as I could empty it. I was using it to repay debts, I was spending it positively, I was saving it up for a rainy day… pain became a currency to me.

Pain is a currency for all of us, perhaps. Or a costume, an accessory or tool for navigating through life disastrously.

First of all pain – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual – was this surprising, shocking, debilitating thing that happened to me in my innocence. In the absence of healed people, I wasn’t taught how to process and overcome it. I wasn’t shown how to let it go. Pain, at first, was an attack on my purity. My childhood was affected by the pain I was born into.

Pain became a jacket then. I could take it on and off. It could lay on the floor, disregarded, when I knew I was safe in my innocence, but if there was any hint of anything remotely uncomfortable or hurtful, the coat would go back on and I’d store all the new bits in the endless pockets and compartments of this jacket. As I grew out of the jacket I needed more items to carry around all the experiences I needed protecting from, like our clothes shield us from the weather and hide our naked vulnerabilities from the world. I had a whole wardrobe, for any occasion, and I loved shopping so I just acquired more and more and more outfits.

There would be particularly bad winters sometimes and I’d layer up. Layer upon layer upon layer of pain to protect myself. And if it rained I would be so laden. It got really hard to cart it all around on my body. I was exhausted and I eventually came to realise that if a awesome summer ever came I would probably die under the weight and the heat… if I even made it that far.

I started taking all the layers off. There were so, so, so many that it took me many seasons. I struggled through all of them but I was making progress. I never discarded all the layers, in case there was a particularly bad winter and I needed them. I just started carrying them around in suitcases, dragging them behind me. It was all organised and tidy, ready if I needed it. Some people thought it brilliant to be able to take off all those layers and carry them so neatly. Others tried their best to help me let go of some of the unnecessary items I needed. Some laughed at me carrying all that pain in cases before noticing how many layers they were living under themselves. We are experiencing global warming… there is not enough need for all these extra layers of pain in the world. We have to start getting rid of some of the things because we couldn’t have such terribly cold winters anymore – we have to get more prepared to brace entirely different storms and we can’t adapt under all that mess.

I thought I was doing the right thing giving all these things I didn’t need to a boot sale or charity shop. I was giving away my pain unknowingly. I’d unpack it and give it to other people and walk away feeling lighter, not noticing how much more laden they’d become. For years I just gave this pain away. Over and over and over. I had nearly emptied my cases before I realised that in giving away my pain I was inviting all the hand me downs from other people. It was just a pain exchange that I couldn’t see I was complicit in. I thought I was right and they were selfish.

I got pissed off then.

I started using my pain as a sword to fight people off with, no matter how close I wanted them. And when I realised I did want them close and I couldn’t keep swiping with a sword, I used it as a shield. I couldn’t hurt people so much but they couldn’t get near me with their pain. Nor their love. And I couldn’t love properly from behind a shield.

I realised, eventually, that the antidote to pain was love.

I tried to love everyone’s pain away but I was just giving them more, because I wasn’t really loving. I was trying to fix them. And by trying to fix them, I was trying to fix me. I realised I needed my love more than anything. So I just loved me. Over and over and over until I realised how necessary all that pain was to understand how to learn to love. I got better at loving others. I started teaching people how to love themselves!! This kind of love was blind and conditional… it made me blind to all the pain I hadn’t overcome because…. Well… pride is very blinding and I had let go of more pain than most!

I wore my pain like a badge then. And I gave people trophies for their pain. Little award ceremonies for our well done’s… well done we suffered greatly… we made it. We are warriors, fighters… survivors!!!!! Look how badass we are at suffering!

And we did… we each made it and if we hadn’t yet we would. And we will always do it, and we are bad ass and we WILL survive.

And that will always be amazing.

We were stronger and more whole and healthier and life would be hard but we’d survive, because that’s what we were… we were survivors.

But now I realise.

Now I understand.

A survivor is NOT who I am. I was never, ever meant to be a survivor. A survivor is who I had to become to overcome all of the pain in the world. The pain that belonged to my parents and their parents and their parents. The pain that belonged to everyone I met and the world around me. The pain of friends, partners, their partners, their friends. My pain, all my pain. A survivor is who I had to become to overcome all the things that were never, ever meant to belong to me. We had to become survivors to overcome all of the things that never belonged to any of us at all.

I was never broken to begin with so I never needed fixing. I never needed saving or rebuilding or curing.

I was always there underneath. Waiting.

I don’t want the badge anymore.

I was born pure and pain free into a world that hasn’t been free from pain for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, longggggggggg time.

I want to be pure and pain free again.

If I keep wearing the badge… If I keep carrying the pain I survived then I am never who I was meant to be.

If I carry my suffering, in any form, I am not me. I am the sum of a world that was broken from my first breath. And the only way, perhaps, we will ever, ever make it pure and pain free is if we stop carrying our suffering and return to our truest form.

We have a lot of journeying to do to get there… but the more we let go of, the easier the route will be.

I don’t want to tell my daughter the story of my pain, or of my surviving. I want to tell her how she can live a different story and help make a better world.


Let it go, let it in

img_20181019_073442493809652721249842.jpg

Tomorrow I am doing a talk at my friend’s spiritual health and well-being fair, Souls Awakening. I felt I had to volunteer myself for it towards the end of last year, even though I was in the shittttttest of shitty stressful times, heavily pregnant, essentially homeless, hating on life and angrily daydreaming ways to singlehandedly take down the state. I survived (so did the state) and I still don’t know much about what I’m going to say tomorrow. If I stand there whole-heartedly and talk as freely as I’m able, I know what needs to be heard will come out, because it’s happened before on many occasions…but it’s a little bit daunting…

Friends and strangers alike will attend the talk, thinking I know what I’m going to talk about if I’m standing in front of them, talking at a public event with my subject advertised in advance. My subject is simply ‘how to let go of your suffering’, but that’s such a ridiculously impossible subject to fit into 30 minutes! Then people might assume I think I’m done letting go or that its even possible to just erase it all and skip away into the sunset. I’m not done! Some days I fucking suck at it. I also look ridiculous skipping.

If it were an essay I’d have written 99890 words over the 2000 limit, even if I’d planned it out, because the more I think about what to say the more vast the subject feels. What I am basically going around the houses to say is, I should be shitting a brick about possibly looking like an utter idiot tomorrow, when I fall flat on my face and stare out at expectant eyes with nothing to give them, because I’m so unorganised that I don’t even know what time my talk even is!

But I’m not (much) because I know this shit. I know alllll about the stuff we all drag around with us that gets in the way of our worth, and I know about many ways to work it out (some are great and some really, really suck!). I know I can ramble on and I know when there’s a greater good, the universe never leaves you hanging if you take a leap of faith.

To be quite honest, tomorrow was my way of forcing myself to step up to the plate whether I strike out or not. In true me style, I’ve left it to the very last minute to finish my homework. I asked to do the talk so I had no choice but to try and heal all year, and I’m ignoring the internal dialogue about failing and fucking up the talk because I’m clearly not done working on myself.

I’m ignoring it because none of us are done, not until we are all done. We all are in it together and I’m inviting you on a virtual road trip into the sunset…

We’re on a road to nowhere and nothings gonna stop us now.

(What a weird ass song medley that’d be!!)