Roots, Bloody Roots!

This photo does absolutely fuck all justice to how impossible it was to break down and remove this giant, deeply anchored lump of concrete. (And this blog borrowed it’s title from the Sepultura song of the same name!) The photo is the foundation of my garden path. My awesome friends have been helping me remove it (THANK YOU!) It’s taken around 15 hours in total to break it, it’s foundations and the metal rods, but this bitch of a lump was not coming out. The rods mostly got broken off and the mound became smaller, but it was proving impossible.

This was only a small task in comparison to the rest of the work I have to do. It has been essential that I’ve asked for help, because it’s not something I could have done safely by myself. Toddlers on your back and swinging sledgehammers onto concrete…. Don’t do it!

When this small but seemingly monumental task began, I remembered thinking that it felt really symbolic considering all the ongoing work I’ve been doing over the last few years- work to try and reconnect with my center, to dig deep and sift through all the baggage and trauma and shadows that lurk inside of myself. Removing this giant, slightly dangerous and unsightly path that I’d never have opted for felt like a finale to trying to unpick the parts of myself that never were mine to begin with. I know its time to build my own path, no excuses and only personal responsibility for where I end up.

As I was watching the pitchfork get more bent up from loosening brick and cement and iron from under the earth, I told my friends about my theory and we joked about it for the rest of the evening. It was getting less and less like a joke and more and more like it was a direct and physical manifestation of the internal struggle I’ve been going through during this blog process and prior. We joked that maybe I was meant to just bury my trauma after all and something that’s clicked a million times, but still never enough, sunk in. Perhaps because I was already hammering at my foundations and there was no other place for truth to go than to my core.

There comes a point where you can’t keep trying to erase all that was traumatic from your life and call it healing. Eventually you have to stop picking at, digging away and sledge hammering at your trauma – the parts of yourself that most need love – and realise that there’s another way of looking at burying it.

There’s building on it.

I realised. remembered, accepted… Whatever word… that once you’re done removing all of the parts of yourself that were never yours, you’re left with what’s left of who you were always meant to be. Like it or lump it. And I’ve got a great big lump of cement/trauma that I’m going to work with and love instead of trying, failing and harming myself by trying to gouge it out of my past. What’s left is me. Its here to stay.

It was suggested that I should fill the hole with loads of fertile soil and that is exactly what I’ll do. Physically and metaphorically. Spiritually and mentally. Emotionally. In all ways. Every ally. Everyone is an ally in growth.

Another beautiful friend helped me have a further huge break through today and accept that it’s ok to accept help and to be vulnerable…Of course I know that and I tell people that, but it’s so, so much easier to preach than practice. After one hell of an ego wounding and war, a constant battle of survival and self preservation after facing losing everything, I have to remember how to trust again now. Its time to read Ego/Self: a fairy tale again and to stop fucking fighting everything.. especially my self.

I started a free online course with this epic woman who I’ve never even met, but who speaks to me on such a deep level. Its not a personalised course but it’s deeply personal and such very essential understanding if we are to make healthier futures for ourselves. Its called Trauma and Transcendence with Kimberly Johnson, or Magamama on Facebook. She’s got a book and is writing more. What she has to say, what others like her have to say… Its so fucking necessary. The video you’ll be emailed by filling in the form will hopefully completely change how you view yourself and all others across all of space and time.

I want to launch into an explanation of the course but I won’t do it justice. I need to redo it over and over to let it all keep sinking in where I’m ready to meet it, but what it’s taught me most importantly is that there is a healthier and more authentic way of being in my body, and in turn my life. My body can give me better information about what’s been recorded than my mind, because the mind is subjective and the body isn’t.

If I want to fully occupy my life, if I want to fully embrace building a healthier life, I absolutely have to start by inhabiting my body completely and in the present. I’ll be looking for new ways to do that.

Time to get back to the present!

And it’s time to reconnect with the expansive, not restrictive part of my self and to remember to see others with love. Its hard to not be insular when you’ve lived in survival mode for ages. When you don’t have enough for yourself it’s so hard give and connect meaningfully with others. I think maybe it’s time to revisit the Goddess Makeover book I’ve been working on and see if I’m ready to move on to the next chakra, the sacral, which is all about connection and relationships. Sensuality and sexuality. How we connect with ourselves and others. The first was the root. Bloody root!

Good foundations build a better life. Good company makes it worth living.

The physical is always the final thing to shift. If we start as energy, which manifests into thought, which manifests into matter…. What matters if we want change is that we direct our energy to thinking more in tune with who and what we want to be, with what we already are.

If we want change, we have to stop trying and start being that change.

Like Gandhi said.

And that is the power of now…

(That one is Eckhart Tolle)

Who You Are

I know I keep harping on about them, but I’m still reading those books. I’ve nearly finished the fourth of the trilogy (there were only meant to be three) and I am loving the confirmation of what I’ve always felt I knew and understood but couldn’t articulate. The remembering of our truth. Of who we are and what we are trying to do…

They’re setting off fireworks in my heart and soul. Rejoicing at feeling closer to a home state, not a suffering, powerless and pointless one.

Our aim is simply to experience the grandest vision of our reality we can manage,and to keep enlarging that as our awareness of truth increases. Our aim is to be create the best design for life we can come up with. Literally … No limits. Apart from the walls we’ve built around ourselves and our knowing.

Book four…. An invitation to self identify as someone willing to awaken the species by publicly awakening themselves. Not because they’re better than others, but simply because they can and aren’t afraid to show the dirty, scary, messy route to realising were perfect as we are – the key to manifesting any change we desire.

I accept the invitation, God! Do you guys?

I want to know Who I truly Am. I want to experience my divinity. I want to evolve and unite with a collective conscious effort to create a greater, the greatest even, imagining we can for humanity. I’m happy to show anyone all the ways I have been exactly what I’m not to enable me to understand better who I am. Fumble along with me!

What if we all just view 2018, a master 11 year for numerology, as a lesson in what comes to us when we are not being true to our grandest vision of self. Where are we limiting ourselves? How? Where can we expand our minds and hearts to seek a bigger, vaster, more joyful, imperfectly perfect and magnificently, magically, magnetic 2019?

Did you love yourself fiercely enough? Did you take all opportunities? Did you surrender fear and invite courage into your heart? Did you let that shit go so you don’t have to carry it any more? Did you take a stand and say I AM WORTHY? Did you experience your strength? Did you uncover your deepest secrets?

Did you create masses and masses and masses and masses of space in your life in 2018? Are you feeling empty and lost? Lonely? Afraid? Maybe even stuck or stranded? Are you struggling to believe that change is coming for you after such a challenging year?

If this is speaking to you then it’s time. No more excuses, no more quitting on yourself. That space was made to fill yourself of all the things you were born to be and do. It is time. It is your time,it is our time. It is now!

This is what we have been waiting for….

Are you ready?

Steady..

GO, THIRSTY HEART!

Time to lead the way.

Ps. We all are following this path and what hurts us, hurts others. What hurts them hurts us. We are one… One great big thirsty heart and I raise a glass to all of us.

Let’s get creative!

A few years ago I saw this idea written in an article. It as about abandoning new year’s resolutions and in their place you would pick a word for the year. I’ve done health, adventure, commitment, create and liberate. Last year was the create year and I ended up with another little human to look after, but I picked it because I wanted to be creative with writing and art. During adventure I got to the bottom of why I’d ever had mental health problems, after PTSD flashbacks shed light, but what I meant when I picked the word was to travel the world. I picked committment to focus on an open university degree but I found myself having to get really commited to becoming more self loving. Health was a bit more of that, as well as getting really politically active, but what I meant was eat salad and exercise more….

Be careful what you wish for, eh?

 

In create, which was 2017, there was also cataclysmic mess made, by way of the biggest circumstantial upheavals I’ve ever experienced. That gave way to the full force of the state and prominent people trying to tear me down from the inside out**. Perhaps I’ll talk more about that eventually, but for now let’s stick to a simple statement about what that created in my life…

Great big mother fucking walls, EVERYWHERE in my life, because I existed only in a fear driven reality of my unconscious choosing. I called them boundaries and I built them to fiercely protect the self worth I worked hard for in the other years. A lot of them I convinced myself were to protect my daughter too.

In the defense of my self, the bar was set extremely high for potential further loss, and survival mode was adopted to get through the days. When we experience traumatic things, often we cope by using the Fs… Fight, flight, freeze or fawn. They’re primal autopilot tapes that our monkey mammal brains play when we sense danger and need to survive it; we attack; try to escape; we play dead; or we pander to pacify the threat. I think the only one I hadn’t adopted for the last year was fawn, and that’s because it got me into trouble in the first place. Yet another blog for another day!

So 2017 made a life and a mess, and I felt like I haven’t created anything since! I suppose many people would be pretty chuffed at the level of creativity achieved in human building… Lots of biology stickle brick XP and all that. Lots of people would also be happy to remain blissfully ignorant to their role in creating their own shitstorms, too. *Raises hand!* Spent the past two years in that camp *ahem* and a few decades before. As you’ve read, I’ve been using the need to prepare for a talk and blogs to force myself to face the suffering created in my life, wherever it’s come from.

What I didn’t actually realise, or want to accept, or fail to admit I was daft enough not to realise…. Is creation is born from destruction. You cannot make something new without destroying something old: ‘Every action has an equal opposite reaction’. Was that Isaac Newton?

Just think about that… You can only create by destroying.

Creation sounds like a positive and destruction, a negative, when in reality they are the exact same cycle. They need eachother in order to survive. They are a duality that come as a pair, like all other things that exist in relativity to something else. Light can only be perceived in contrast to dark, up to down, empty to full, on to off, Yin to Yang and so on. Everything has its opposite, but they’re not separate like we perceive them to be. They’re on a scale, or a continuum. Imagine the tail of a snake and then the mouth of a snake in a loop or circle.. the beginning and the end are all the same snake. Good and evil? Happy and sad? Love and fear? Same snake!

When I was hoping to create my best life and a fresh start, I was not expecting intense destruction. Not at all! But it sure as shit came. It’s only now that i’m filling the huge crater where my old life was back up, that I can see more clearly. If we want to be our best selves, live our best lives and be the happiest and most successful we can, we have to let go of the way things are and our beliefs about the way things should be. If we want to create we have to destroy, and vice versa. Perhaps only our resistance makes that seem violent?

Before I understood this cycle fully, I decided that this year’s word should be ‘liberation’. **What a prick! That was a stupid-ass idea too, because you cannot be free from anything without realising where you give away your power. In other words, you can never be free without becoming aware of your own self-sabotage, self-destruction and self-ignorance.

You can never be free without being responsible, which by it’s very nature sounds restrictive!

This year has really fucking sucked because liberation is all about perceived power and who or what has it. I spent half of the year being angry and the other half ashamed, depending on who was most powerful – me or ‘them’. Anger was them destroying as much as shame was me creating. It was two sides of the same coin of my experience. The shittest part has been in trying to get my head around how perhaps it’s actually always, always, always me playing creator and destroyer of all things!

How fucked off would you be if I said you were responsible for how much you have suffered in your life? Pretty fucked off once you’d really thought about it, right? If you could ever get to a point of believing it, you might feel ashamed too, or just absolutely gutted at what could have been created instead. That would suck even harder to imagine and so it’d be so much easier to blame anything or anyone else. That’s what I did most of the year, whilst simultaneously knowing I had such a gigantic responsibility to change my experience.

There’s a good Will Smith video somewhere on the internet about the difference between fault and responsibility… Fault belongs to those who wrong us, responsibility belongs to us for how we experience, heal, overcome, react or respond to that. When we don’t take responsibility for our healing, we remain powerless.

Liberation is realising we are responsible for our experience of everything ever, but that not being a massive burden of anger, blame, fear, resentment, shame and guilt…

…it is realising we are responsible for our experience of everything ever and that being the key to creating the most badass fucking life we ever could dream of.

Maybe that is us created ‘in God’s image’.

I highly recommend a book called Conversations with God. I was meant to read it two years ago but I knew I needed to hold of… My understanding gleened through creating my recent experiences were well explained by this book that I’m just finishing!

Ps.

Here is how my creation has destroyed my wall paper today… Fortunately I had planned to destroy it myself in the new year to make way for better… And that’s a good analogy for life.

Procrasti-wasting

It’s bloody hard work to commit to yourself when you hang out with a one year old for twenty four hours a day! Starting this blog was meant to be a step in the direction of being more productive, but it’s actually been more a step towards chastising myself for not being productive enough. Perhaps I should cut myself some slack, because these impish little children are hard graft when you’re on your tod. I don’t think it is a fair representation to say that I don’t have time for myself to write or meditate or better look after myself. Granted I don’t have much time, though I definitely have enough to at least get started.

Why then, if I have some time, am I not using it wisely? Because I am in procrasti-waste mode! When all your time and energy goes into looking after someone or everyone else, you put off looking after yourself to catch up on things, like chores. Or if you’re me, you put off doing that to catch up on soul sucking social media or Netflix or social media again. And again. And again. And againnnn!!

Fuck you Facebook.

And fuck me for shirking my responsibility to myself for my own well being.

The real reason I shirk that responsibility, if I dig deep, is to resist change by way of remaining distracted and disengaged from life in as many ways as possible. By keeping busy or by staying still, by always thinking or doing or by avoiding tasks and changes that would actually improve things if I made the effort. We all do it, I expect. Or maybe we don’t. Maybe some folk are just super efficient at self growth and always own their shit immediately and never ever dawdle on improving their experience of things in any way they can. Maybe some can give themselves a break. Maybe some folk wash, dry, fold and put away ALL their laundry in ONE DAY! I think it’s pretty common to avoid things we know we should be doing because change is uncomfortable.

Being present with our experiences, feelings, traumas, failings, hopes and dreams can be uncomfortable, because it throws a big massive spotlight on this idea that we aren’t good enough exactly as we are. Our egos tell us we need change to be enough, and on most days nobody really wants to face that shit. So we zone out and disassociate from our not-enoughness by being mind-full. Lacking presence in the ‘now’. This moment, here, just this one. In this breath. The in breath through the nose, the out breath through the mouth… Sounding like the ocean.

Do it.

Breathe.

That presence.

This moment now.

We zone out on ourselves because we don’t know how to be present with our worthiness – we are too busy focusing on avoiding or submerging ourselves into our unworthiness. And if there are things we want to do and achieve and change in our life circumstances, how are we going to do that when we tell ourselves we’re crap?

The silence of self awareness can be deafeningly painful on some days, but allowing that space is like defragmenting your harddrive. I’m going to acknowledge my procrasti-wasting is occuring – I’m shirking my responsibility to be loving to myself no matter what, because I am failing to be present with myself and also because I am telling myself that staring gormlessly at Facebook every night in my free time is all the self care I need….

I deserve more self nurturing. So rather than chastising myself for not being productive, I am going to invite myself, and all others, to make different choices… Not because we aren’t good enough….but because we are so completely and utterly enough as we are that we deserve to enjoy that more. I’m going to see making better choices for myself as a way to remember my inherent worth instead of trying to tell myself I’m not enough.

Short term goals just for me… Daily meditation, twice weekly writing, a walk a day, more music, more mindful presence, some yoga (even if it’s just ten minutes for the first time in 15 months!!!). What are yours?

“Stop spending yourself so unwisely


“I want to talk to you about energy. I don’t mean the energy that powers your home, though that is the same thing. I don’t want to talk to you about the energy that powers your body either, though that is the same thing too. I want to talk to you about the energy that you use the most unconsciously yet the most frequently: the energy of your mind and the energy of your heart.

You invest so much of your energy in rushing around to finish everything, to get everything done, to complete your work, your chores and your tasks. You spend so much energy on doing. Whilst you’re doing all that doing you’re investing the rest of your energy on feeling and thinking, but never about what you are doing. You will think of the next thing you must do whilst feeling you haven’t enough time or feeling resentful of having to do what you’re doing simply because you’d rather be doing something else. You are using all of your energy at cross-purposes. Your thoughts send energy one way, your feelings send it another and your actions send the rest somewhere different still.

The result of this is feeling hollow. The result is feeling too stretched, too dispersed or too thinly spread. This inconsiderate use of your own energy, the currency of life, is tearing you at the seams. You are dragging and pulling yourself in opposing directions at all moments, mindlessly spending all of yourself in your search for enough completion to establish happiness. I want to tell you to stop. I want to tell you that when you stop sending all parts of yourself in different directions simultaneously you will feel whole. You will feel present and you will feel peaceful and you will find all of the answers you seek.

I feel you will misunderstand me and think this too simple a concept. It is too simple a concept, I will grant you that. I am a simple being. I promise you one thing; one day you will come to learn that nothing ever need be as complicated as you make it. These vast pressures you put upon your heart and mind are wholly unnecessary. 

I know you are busy and I know you have lots to do but I can tell you a secret: the more time and attention you give to everything you do, the more time and freedom you will find for yourself. Spend more time focusing only on what you are doing in any given moment (that is heart, body and mind) without allowing any aspect of yourself to become distracted. Try this for one day. I don’t mean try it once on one day, I mean try it for one whole day.

When you wake up tomorrow pay attention to what you think and what you feel physically and emotionally. Notice sounds, smells and sensations. Soak it all up. When you brush your teeth think only about brushing your teeth. Notice how you feel before, during and after. When you wash, dress or cook think only about what you are doing and feeling as you are washing, dressing or cooking. Whether you go to work, college or some other place, think only of your journey as you travel. When you interact with people throughout the day pay full attention to them. Really listen. Don’t think only about your reply or how to lengthen or shorten the conversation. You can think about that after you’ve listened. Really invest your energy in listening and being present. Notice your feelings and notice their feelings. Connect!

In everything you do tomorrow, connect. Totally immerse yourself in whatever you do. Ensure your heart, mind and body are all engaged at once and focused solely on that one act of doing at a time. Try this for one whole day. If you notice nothing other than how unconsciously you live every moment of your life I will be happy. You need more presence. You are spending all of your energy so unwisely that you tear holes in yourself and wonder why you are stressed and unhappy.

If you are present in everything you do, if you really practice this, I promise you life will change. I promise you that you will find every last thing you are looking for. If you start living in every moment and sending all of your three focus’ in the same direction, you will eventually find a bliss that you never dreamed possible. 

Try it. Just for one whole day.”   – channelled writing from Blue, a wonderful energy that hangs out with me from time to time

Let it go, let it in

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Tomorrow I am doing a talk at my friend’s spiritual health and well-being fair, Souls Awakening. I felt I had to volunteer myself for it towards the end of last year, even though I was in the shittttttest of shitty stressful times, heavily pregnant, essentially homeless, hating on life and angrily daydreaming ways to singlehandedly take down the state. I survived (so did the state) and I still don’t know much about what I’m going to say tomorrow. If I stand there whole-heartedly and talk as freely as I’m able, I know what needs to be heard will come out, because it’s happened before on many occasions…but it’s a little bit daunting…

Friends and strangers alike will attend the talk, thinking I know what I’m going to talk about if I’m standing in front of them, talking at a public event with my subject advertised in advance. My subject is simply ‘how to let go of your suffering’, but that’s such a ridiculously impossible subject to fit into 30 minutes! Then people might assume I think I’m done letting go or that its even possible to just erase it all and skip away into the sunset. I’m not done! Some days I fucking suck at it. I also look ridiculous skipping.

If it were an essay I’d have written 99890 words over the 2000 limit, even if I’d planned it out, because the more I think about what to say the more vast the subject feels. What I am basically going around the houses to say is, I should be shitting a brick about possibly looking like an utter idiot tomorrow, when I fall flat on my face and stare out at expectant eyes with nothing to give them, because I’m so unorganised that I don’t even know what time my talk even is!

But I’m not (much) because I know this shit. I know alllll about the stuff we all drag around with us that gets in the way of our worth, and I know about many ways to work it out (some are great and some really, really suck!). I know I can ramble on and I know when there’s a greater good, the universe never leaves you hanging if you take a leap of faith.

To be quite honest, tomorrow was my way of forcing myself to step up to the plate whether I strike out or not. In true me style, I’ve left it to the very last minute to finish my homework. I asked to do the talk so I had no choice but to try and heal all year, and I’m ignoring the internal dialogue about failing and fucking up the talk because I’m clearly not done working on myself.

I’m ignoring it because none of us are done, not until we are all done. We all are in it together and I’m inviting you on a virtual road trip into the sunset…

We’re on a road to nowhere and nothings gonna stop us now.

(What a weird ass song medley that’d be!!)