I thought I’d out run the freight train

freight train

going so fast

de-rail blues



off course

maybe Branson bought my contract just to piss off Corbyn

I sit on the floor too

only in the kitchen


my legs won’t help me stand the pressure of making fucking coffee

What the fuck?

I’d forgotten about that pissing clock too.

tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick fucking tick

that sound is the ghost of darkness feeding on your soul

stupid inauthentic warrior woman 

ashamed to take a stumble for the team

fiercely guard self-love for all other wounded soldiers

lack courage to stand tall in imperfection

nice work

take off that pathetic red cape and stop wearing your pants in the wrong place, fool

wonder woman is fictitious 

made up

not real

real super heroes can stand up and boldly say ‘I feel fucking broken’

I feel fucking broken

there, I said it.

I forgot about rage against the machine

I listened to them 

maybe that’s where white hot fury sharp enough to sever heads seeped in from

or maybe I just buried that shit so far down that only real love could free it

why does it always happen this way?

why does that fucking beast stalk you from the shadows awaiting the moment you claim freedom?

Maybe it’s capitalist

maybe freedom is illusory

I know that’s bollocks really

I should stop humoring myself

It gets me in trouble

attachment to suffering is the illusion

illusory separation

forgetting the middle way

Sometimes its easier to lie to yourself to justify the fucking misery

or to excuse yourself from being human

or to trick yourself into feeling invincible

because how dare you be anything less

get over yourself, girl!

I feel like there’s a big fat man sat on my chest and I can’t fucking breath

I feel like my heart is a sewer

I feel like there’s a grand prix in my circulatory system and my neurons have gone to fucking Bali

Thanks for the invite you bastards

I could have done with a break

I feel hollow and full of fucked up all at once

I feel shallow whilst drowning

I feel all the fucking shit

I feel all of it on some repetitive circuit of ‘HERE, BITCH, FEEL THE FULL SPECTRUM OF HUMAN EMOTION ALL AT ONCE ON VOLUME 11’.

Spinal tap?

I feel fucking tapped!

But I feel

That means I’m alive

I promised myself too many times a day for too many years that this alone is an incredible gift  

I won’t fuck it up again

I feel fucking broken and that’s ok 

I am loved and I am strong and I have done this enough to know I can do it again

I can do it again.

maybe 9 can keep the bastard shit once I’m done with it this time.