How the hell do you fill a black hole,
A fucking abyss,
A rotten, empty space?
A cataclysmic chasm creatively and callously called me out on my reality!
I didn’t know this shit was in here!!!
I didn’t know
I didn’t know any of it
I didn’t fucking know!
Running back in time to know it away was naïve
Sucking out the joy of the little happy youth I had
Though even I know that isn’t truth
This puzzle is a puzzling prize!
To overcome it all and be rewarded with an answer so ugly that you never feel clean is a really dirty trick, God.
Have I paid you back now?
Am I done?
What more could I possibly owe you?
I would give all of myself for anyone to never know a heart so heavy as that
And at such innocence!
I don’t know
I don’t know any of it
I don’t know!
I did though really, didn’t I?
Really, I did.
How could I not?
How else could I think I could fuck my way to love?
It didn’t matter that I couldn’t find it in my mind
I lived it all the same
I thought that was just the way things were
And now I have to learn it all again
I have to learn what its meant to be
How its meant to be, when, where…
I have to learn why you’re meant to love and be loved
I have to let it all go
I have to learn who I am for real this time.
Unencumbered by all that ugly.