Puzzling Prize

How the hell do you fill a black hole,

A fucking abyss,

A rotten, empty space?

A cataclysmic chasm creatively and callously called me out on my reality!

I didn’t know this shit was in here!!!

I didn’t know

I didn’t know any of it

I didn’t fucking know!

Running back in time to know it away was naïve

Quicksand!!!

Sucking out the joy of the little happy youth I had

Though even I know that isn’t truth

This puzzle is a puzzling prize!

To overcome it all and be rewarded with an answer so ugly that you never feel clean is a really dirty trick, God. 

Have I paid you back now?

Am I done? 

What more could I possibly owe you?

I would give all of myself for anyone to never know a heart so heavy as that

And at such innocence!

Why?

I don’t know

I don’t know any of it

I don’t know!

I did though really, didn’t I?

Really, I did. 

How could I not?

How else could I think I could fuck my way to love?

It didn’t matter that I couldn’t find it in my mind

I lived it all the same

I thought that was just the way things were 

And now I have to learn it all again

I have to learn what its meant to be

How its meant to be, when, where… 

Why

I have to learn why you’re meant to love and be loved

I have to let it all go

I have to learn who I am for real this time.

Unencumbered by all that ugly.