Calling time on what?

orchid

Have you ever been followed around by something? Numbers, words, songs, films… people in strange disguises?

‘Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure’.

Those words have stuck inside my mind like a pick axe for over a decade now, violently cracking open my mind, ‘so the light can pour in’, as they say. The more I hear the quote, the more I can live it, the more I understand it and the greater the chasm between light and dark becomes. This spiritual awakening/personal growth bollocks is not the pretty, fluffy, rainbow and unicorn magic I was promised. It’s messy, dirty, long, arduous, confusing and full of ‘fuck you’s’. What’s that other saying… nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it? Yeah, that one. Maybe there are a reason cliches stick around, and maybe there’s a reason they’re so damn irritating to hear: the truth sucks!

We fight it. It fights back. If we beat it, we’re often actually losing… because wait for it… the truth will set us free. Bwahhhhhh!! They really do bite, these flippant sayings. It takes us a long time to stumble our way onto the conscious path of authenticity. Often we end up there accidentally, electrified awake and so stunned with clarity that our minds fall out our arses. Other times, when we think we are purposefully nailing it, we are prancing around in sweet, glorious denial. They become empty buzzwords, things like that. Authenticity. Truth. Freedom. Abundance… What do people mean when they’re saying them? Do we even know anymore?

I have the quote up on my wall and as I look at it, I realise the text is way too small for me to clock what it says with any regularity. I know what it says, just like I know what’s inside of me and what I might be able to do with it. I just neglect to do anything meaningful with it. Frequently. For many years I just really liked the quote and hoped I was worthy of such greatness. Clocked that I was, that we all are. Then I moved into frazzled, fumbling confusion because the harder I tried to ‘shine like children do’, the more shit I found buried in my psyche, in my dirty laundry, in others’, in everything everywhere. All the guru folk and nag champa in the world seemed incapable of ‘liberating’ me. Not surprisingly!

It seems that we’ve just gotta knuckle down and be responsible for our place in this world, for the way it imprints on us and for the indelible marks we leave in turn. If we ever gain self-mastery, we turn and help ‘the others’. Right until the very last one can join us in our limitless, wild, abandon.

‘We are all meant to shine. As children do.’ And children are messy, temperamental, chaotic energy balls of endless potential.

This rambling blog is about the beautiful mess I make in unravelling my ‘potential’. I should be called Moth Woman – persistently launching myself at the light with a crash or snacking in the dark for three decades!

I’m calling time on all of my excuses!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
— Marianne Williamson