I got a bit lost in the world of writing inactivity…. again! January went great with the self focus and February was a bit more of a challenge as I kept forgetting to do my gratitude practice. March has been the hardest by far, though, as I have sought to look at nutrition and healthy eating and activity practices. I planned to observe how the food I ate made me feel for a while and then set about changing things up, but as I am writing (and only as I am writing) I have realised why it was so hard. Focusing on what I was eating and how it made me feel is one of the most uncomfortable things I can do. It shows up how unhappy and how unhealthy I feel in my body and it shows up how little I feel like I have control. And I suppose, seeing as our bodies are the vehicles in which we journey through life, it is symbolically shows up how I feel about my place in the world.
I feel too big, too heavy, too tall, too masculine, too sweaty, too tired, too lethargic… I feel like I need to be different to what I am. Obviously there are lots of levels where I say ‘fuck that, that’s not OK, don’t talk to yourself like that’. Unfortunately it takes a bit more work than not eating cake to rewrite not only your internal script but decades of societal and familial pressure to ‘be’ a certain way. My body feels like it belongs to my nursing daughter, who isn’t particularly kind to my body, but neither am I! So yeah… this month was never going to be an easy month. I tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed to implement change, though if I am still here trying I suppose I haven’t failed at all! Hoorah!
Going back to the family line and societal pressures… way back behind what most would call family is our ancestral line. And there were places in history where ALL women were revered for their power, the magic of their bodies, their potency, their nurturance and their sheer Goddess embodiment. All people were revered for their being, but I am so powerfully disconnected from my femininity and body that I am focussing here. I was not planning to write about this at all… I was planning to write about candida overgrowth, but hey ho, my inner voice has a message for me!!
When we are not standing in our divine femininity, toxic masculine traits come up and play out – power struggles, aggression, closed mindedness, anger, paranoid analysis and so on. These are not ‘male’ traits, as in I say only men have them, but they are a toxic form of masculine energy that exists in all of us when out of balance. Just like in French there are masculine and feminine words, but they’re not men and women. We can see this playing out in the world arena too. There are women and men alike – misogynists and feminists alike – who are controlling and domineering, angry, power mad, greedy and narcissistic. It is a mentality for duality and separation. We have to work to embody our divinity with grace, each of us, and challenge the power struggles within us, each of us, before we can have balance everywhere outside.
I see the rise of ‘feminism’ is perhaps spiritually meant to be a rise in the divinely feminine characteristics (that can exist in all of us and all of nature) rather than women taking back power from men. The power over women that feminists are fighting is not as a result of only men, though many men have oppressed women for centuries, but it is a result of the toxic traits that exist on the masculine energy scale and which we can all embody. They are the same toxic traits that have controlled, abused, manipulated or oppressed any person, animal, plant or planet ever. I expect I’ll piss a lot of people off here with this vague simplification, but this is just the way I see things through my lens. We each have a unique perspective on any given thing based upon all that we have been through and learned, including our natural values, inclinations, conditioning and biases. I also struggle to ‘practice what I preach’ I don’t suppose any of us are right, or maybe we all are, but what matters most is that we must all learn to co-exist harmoniously if we all are to survive. Planet included.
I guess what my wiser self is trying to communicate to my less wise robot mode self that wanted to write about water kefir, is that if I truly want to understand this poor relationship to food, nurturance, nutrition, activity and shame, and this life full of power struggle, then I need to dig SOOOOOOO deep inside myself that I find my divinity and bring out the divinely feminine qualities that exist within me. The divinely masculine traits are then safe to rise in sequence. Just so that I can love myself into better habits. And better love those around me too.
I have a book called the Inner Goddess Makeover by Tanishka. I have had it for ages but its sat untouched on my bedroom drawers and I guess its time to dive deep! Perhaps what my soul is saying to me is that I have done enough on the surface to forge myself a path back to my truest truth and that the staircase is ready when I want it.
I wrote on my facebook account about deciding to stop doing month challenges and to start seeing it like a RPG where you have to master your player and develop new skills, overcome challenges, collect tools, utilise and help other players and the like. I am on Spring Level 1 so maybe I shall incorporate the 7 stages of this book into my RPG. I always used to get lost on Skyrim because it was so fucking massive and perhaps its because I had no plan. The world is a lot like Skyrim, I wish in that we had dragons and wizards, but actually because its a massive world and we have one main mission, but so, so, so many side missions and none of its wrong. We are still serving our purpose when we play all our side missions and we can jump on and off our main one at any time we choose. The point is we are meant to be enjoying it. And that’s the truest aim of the game. It is meant to be enjoyed, so i’m going to have more fun!
Very quickly… I am now here: daily Yoga, daily gratitude practice by way of a gratitude jar, daily apple cider vinegar (WOW!!!!!!!! This stuff is the shit!), and trying each day to make better food choices. I’m also starting to make my own water kefir for probiotics. This is all much easier now because the vinegar is killing off a candida overgrowth in my gut, which has improved my mood, energy, focus and sugar cravings in a way that blew my mind. The nutrition is going to have to be an ongoing mission to come to understand my own individual body needs (i’m learning all about vitamin and mineral balances and such). Just writing this for future posterity for the other versions of my self pahaha. I’ve been working to this: Natural Healing for Beginners Guide.
I hadn’t decided what my new RPG should be called but I think its probably going to become the Goddess Makeover.