I got a bit lost in the world of writing inactivity…. again! January went great with the self focus and February was a bit more of a challenge as I kept forgetting to do my gratitude practice. March has been the hardest by far, though, as I have sought to look at nutrition and healthy eating and activity practices. I planned to observe how the food I ate made me feel for a while and then set about changing things up, but as I am writing (and only as I am writing) I have realised why it was so hard. Focusing on what I was eating and how it made me feel is one of the most uncomfortable things I can do. It shows up how unhappy and how unhealthy I feel in my body and it shows up how little I feel like I have control. And I suppose, seeing as our bodies are the vehicles in which we journey through life, it is symbolically shows up how I feel about my place in the world.
I feel too big, too heavy, too tall, too masculine, too sweaty, too tired, too lethargic… I feel like I need to be different to what I am. Obviously there are lots of levels where I say ‘fuck that, that’s not OK, don’t talk to yourself like that’. Unfortunately it takes a bit more work than not eating cake to rewrite not only your internal script but decades of societal and familial pressure to ‘be’ a certain way. My body feels like it belongs to my nursing daughter, who isn’t particularly kind to my body, but neither am I! So yeah… this month was never going to be an easy month. I tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed to implement change, though if I am still here trying I suppose I haven’t failed at all! Hoorah!