Passion – labour is not always fruitful

Call me a masochist, but it has been a revelation to my recent ‘self’ that you don’t have to always focus on the shitty, painful crappy things. That’s pretty obvious really, I suppose. What I actually mean is that I have very recently been learning that if you want to be able to work through traumatic and troublesome experiences in our past, present and future, then we need to focus more on expanding our capacity for pleasure.

That sounded backwards to me at first, and counter intuitive. I’ve had ‘solutions focused therapy’ training before, I knew that if you want to solve a problem you don’t focus on the problem, you focus on finding a solution. I knew this old chestnut too….

We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.

Albert Einstein

The bit I didn’t know was that perhaps thinking was the problem, as much as finding only problems where there could be pleasure is a problem. It seems more and more obvious, the more I am learning: the deeper the injury, the greater the healing balm needs to be to counter it. The more we have to heal, the better we need to learn to focus on any bit of good (or even just less bad) to anchor ourselves in this present moment. These ideas come from Somatic Experiencing and its founders, with those roots coming from ROLFing (I believe).

I wrote in my last blog post about Magamama and her free course I had embarked upon. It held mind-mindblowingly simple information that would change the whole world if only we could all embrace it. It reached me on such a level that I had to find the funds to start one of her paid courses. In doing so, I feel like I have been given back parts of my self I didn’t even know I had never met. Forever will I be grateful for this new area of information to digest and assimilate into my life.

I’ve offered to show some bits to friends, as it was said it was OK to use the material to help our loved ones work with us on our healing paths. Nobody seems to wish to engage, no matter how much I rave about how awesome it is. Its made me realise that some people may hold the view that I had held for so long – that healing and growth needs to be painful, sometimes excruciatingly so, or else you’re doing it wrong. Also that its not a life long set of practices, but a measurable task that you can check off a to do list – like Yo, I am all growthed up now, totally done in here and now I can just go all about my life being the lit up, growthed person I am with no skeletons in my closet.

And thats just bollocks. We don’t need to suffer anywhere near a 1/4 as much as we do often. Equally, we don’t need to hard pass and run a mile from opportunities for self reflection, responsibility and healing as much as we do. When we have the right tools and the right people around us, at the right time and when we feel safe enough… the doors just open. We don’t have to force ourselves into perfection. We just have to come home to exactly where we are, and to get acquainted with that place. And I don’t mean with mindfulness.

I mean bodyfulness.

That’s what I have been learning about since I last posted and I think its going to change my life forever, and anyone elses’ who will listen. I had absolutely NO idea how to be in my body. I am frequently completely unaware of it, of how my shoulder feels, of the buzz behind my knee, the warmth of my left calf and the breeze on my forehead. I don’t pay attention to where my body is, where I am, in the space I inhabit. Whats around me, what’s in my environment, what’s going on inside and outside of me right now. Even more so, I had absolutely no recent experience of seeking out what felt GOOD. Or just less bad. Past experience, a little but not much to do with my body and presence.

These words aren’t my ideas for the record, they’re my poor job of trying to very vaguely summarise small snippets of what I am learning here Jaguar Course. But for me, the gist is that how the hell can we heal our pasts and change our futures if we’re never really ‘here’, and never actually enjoying anything? We’re part animal, but we’re so desperate to distance ourselves from that, that we’re walking about with one foot in this world and the rest of us flailing about in trauma and misery or the pursuit of unattainable happiness behind moving goal posts. What is the point of this Earthly life, where we are ‘spiritual beings living a material life’, if we’re not truly here in this material place, in these incredible, intelligent bodies that are manifest solely (soulely) by source consciousness, the same stuff that makes our souls soul-y. If we aren’t going to be in our bodies, if we aren’t here to anchor in and settle down some beautiful, wonderful energies into this Earth, then why did we bother Being at all?

And if you’re of the mind that there is no soul, there is no collective consciousness, there is no purpose, then why not make the most of life too and expand your capacity for pleasure? I’m very grateful to Kimberly Johnson for that invitation, and for the information.

Expand your capacity for pleasure.

This subject is too big to fit in a blog, really, but I encourage you to look into taking the course or working with a Somatic Experiencing practitioner… or stick around when I expand on the changes it’s bringing into my life. I started it because I wanted to address trauma and stuckness, to free myself some how from my past cycles. It is doing that, but not in the way I expected. What I have learned is that our nervous systems constantly seek out opportunities to heal our traumas, which explains why people go full speed towards situations that are just going to repeat for them the same problems they thought they’d outrun. Its why we pick the same relationships, or return to or recreate harmful situations, or repeat painful habits. Our systems get stuck in trauma loops and are constantly seeking circumstances that offer us the opportunity to finish dealing with the threat or danger properly. We are constantly trying to rescue ourselves through other people and places and things.

This course has given me tools to finish trauma cycles that are embedded into my very existence. It is a code breaker. A prison key. A brand new way of being!

More excitingly, it made me permit myself to start enjoying life again. AND I started writing my novel!

Roots, Bloody Roots!

This photo does absolutely fuck all justice to how impossible it was to break down and remove this giant, deeply anchored lump of concrete. (And this blog borrowed it’s title from the Sepultura song of the same name!) The photo is the foundation of my garden path. My awesome friends have been helping me remove it (THANK YOU!) It’s taken around 15 hours in total to break it, it’s foundations and the metal rods, but this bitch of a lump was not coming out. The rods mostly got broken off and the mound became smaller, but it was proving impossible.

This was only a small task in comparison to the rest of the work I have to do. It has been essential that I’ve asked for help, because it’s not something I could have done safely by myself. Toddlers on your back and swinging sledgehammers onto concrete…. Don’t do it!

When this small but seemingly monumental task began, I remembered thinking that it felt really symbolic considering all the ongoing work I’ve been doing over the last few years- work to try and reconnect with my center, to dig deep and sift through all the baggage and trauma and shadows that lurk inside of myself. Removing this giant, slightly dangerous and unsightly path that I’d never have opted for felt like a finale to trying to unpick the parts of myself that never were mine to begin with. I know its time to build my own path, no excuses and only personal responsibility for where I end up.

As I was watching the pitchfork get more bent up from loosening brick and cement and iron from under the earth, I told my friends about my theory and we joked about it for the rest of the evening. It was getting less and less like a joke and more and more like it was a direct and physical manifestation of the internal struggle I’ve been going through during this blog process and prior. We joked that maybe I was meant to just bury my trauma after all and something that’s clicked a million times, but still never enough, sunk in. Perhaps because I was already hammering at my foundations and there was no other place for truth to go than to my core.

There comes a point where you can’t keep trying to erase all that was traumatic from your life and call it healing. Eventually you have to stop picking at, digging away and sledge hammering at your trauma – the parts of yourself that most need love – and realise that there’s another way of looking at burying it.

There’s building on it.

I realised. remembered, accepted… Whatever word… that once you’re done removing all of the parts of yourself that were never yours, you’re left with what’s left of who you were always meant to be. Like it or lump it. And I’ve got a great big lump of cement/trauma that I’m going to work with and love instead of trying, failing and harming myself by trying to gouge it out of my past. What’s left is me. Its here to stay.

It was suggested that I should fill the hole with loads of fertile soil and that is exactly what I’ll do. Physically and metaphorically. Spiritually and mentally. Emotionally. In all ways. Every ally. Everyone is an ally in growth.

Another beautiful friend helped me have a further huge break through today and accept that it’s ok to accept help and to be vulnerable…Of course I know that and I tell people that, but it’s so, so much easier to preach than practice. After one hell of an ego wounding and war, a constant battle of survival and self preservation after facing losing everything, I have to remember how to trust again now. Its time to read Ego/Self: a fairy tale again and to stop fucking fighting everything.. especially my self.

I started a free online course with this epic woman who I’ve never even met, but who speaks to me on such a deep level. Its not a personalised course but it’s deeply personal and such very essential understanding if we are to make healthier futures for ourselves. Its called Trauma and Transcendence with Kimberly Johnson, or Magamama on Facebook. She’s got a book and is writing more. What she has to say, what others like her have to say… Its so fucking necessary. The video you’ll be emailed by filling in the form will hopefully completely change how you view yourself and all others across all of space and time.

I want to launch into an explanation of the course but I won’t do it justice. I need to redo it over and over to let it all keep sinking in where I’m ready to meet it, but what it’s taught me most importantly is that there is a healthier and more authentic way of being in my body, and in turn my life. My body can give me better information about what’s been recorded than my mind, because the mind is subjective and the body isn’t.

If I want to fully occupy my life, if I want to fully embrace building a healthier life, I absolutely have to start by inhabiting my body completely and in the present. I’ll be looking for new ways to do that.

Time to get back to the present!

And it’s time to reconnect with the expansive, not restrictive part of my self and to remember to see others with love. Its hard to not be insular when you’ve lived in survival mode for ages. When you don’t have enough for yourself it’s so hard give and connect meaningfully with others. I think maybe it’s time to revisit the Goddess Makeover book I’ve been working on and see if I’m ready to move on to the next chakra, the sacral, which is all about connection and relationships. Sensuality and sexuality. How we connect with ourselves and others. The first was the root. Bloody root!

Good foundations build a better life. Good company makes it worth living.

The physical is always the final thing to shift. If we start as energy, which manifests into thought, which manifests into matter…. What matters if we want change is that we direct our energy to thinking more in tune with who and what we want to be, with what we already are.

If we want change, we have to stop trying and start being that change.

Like Gandhi said.

And that is the power of now…

(That one is Eckhart Tolle)

Planting, Numbers and Daring Greatly

I’ve had a bit of a layman’s obsession with numerology and seeing recurring number sequences for quite a long time now, such as 2020, 1111, 3113 and so on. Over the years I have taught myself various calculations and ways of interpreting the results. My newest venture is to learn about Chaldean numerology, which is a much, much older system than the Pythagorean one, and some people feel it is more accurate. Of course there are those who think we’re all bat shit crazy, but to each their own. Learning about this new system, (following legally changing my name with guidance from a numerological genius named Psio ) has rekindled my obsession and I’ve been learning more about all of my friends’ and family’s numbers too. Just because single parenting isn’t enough work – why not add some pointless maths?

For those with no knowledge of numerology whatsoever, but enough interest to keep reading, numerology is an occult study of the impact of numbers in our life and psychological, spiritual, physical and mental make up. Like astrology is the study of how the positioning of numerous planets, stars and asteroids affects us, numerology is a sort of numerical practice along a similar vein. It predominantly uses the date of birth and a codified way of translating letters to numbers to calculate numerical values from our names. You can also work out other dates, house numbers and any numbers you see often or repeatedly, as mentioned above. I find it very fascinating and so do some of my friends. Others get really annoyed with me when I attempt to reduce everything to maths, especially because I suck at maths.

The numbers have characteristics, like the zodiac does. You have five core numbers (and much more) from your name and date of birth and these are considered to be the most influential, albeit not the only influences. They give insight into things like personality, what natural skills we might possess, themes that span our life and what challenges or obstacles we might face. I use them like information check points, or sign posts to help me understand how to grow, why I’m stuck or what I think ‘the universe’ (or my higher self) is trying to tell me by the things I notice more than others.

I had already known some of the info I learned tonight, but when I originally learned it, I did not understand the significance until now. Looking at the lives and numbers of others’ around me has made me much more aware of why I have been relentlessly stuck on the same lessons, seemingly aimlessly, for my whole life. You know, other than the fact that I don’t bloody learn and just do the same shit over and over and expect different results whilst not really aiming to arrive anywhere. *Side note: I once posted on facebook that this was the definition of insanity and a beautiful, kind friend replied that it could be an optimist too!* I have only two challenge numbers in my chart: zero and four. I have 4 three times, actually. The only other person I have looked at so far who has this same weird challenge pattern is my daughter. Zero then three of the same number for the rest of our lives. My father has a similar pattern but not quite the same. Everyone else’s has some variation. Not us. Nope!

What this means for me, is that for the first thirty odd years of my life, I had no pre dictated purpose – a zero – I had a free run to grow or screw up as much as I wished. I could have done the self mastery and great achievement thing, but instead I seemed to do the chaos route, or some sort of butterfly effect amateur dramatics (nearly a pro) and accidentally, only occasionally, got a little bit of self mastery out of it. Perhaps self awareness is more accurate. I have the next few decades for mastery. And I guess that is my punishment and reward – for the next 60 plus years, I get to work really hard to put all of the lessons and losses of the first thirty years to good use. Three cycles of 4…. lots and lots and lots of work!!! I also can hopefully prepare my daughter to use her time more wisely, but seeing as she has a lifetime of 1 challenge – a number strongly connected to leadership – and a life path of five – the number of freedom and adventure – I doubt I’ll have much power to sway or tame her. That pleases and terrifies me.

Below is a write up for the challenge numbers I am facing, as the pro’s say it better than me, and you can learn more about them here: https://feliciabender.com/pinnacles-and-challenge-numbers/

The 0 Challenge is called the Cipher Number. This number represents all or nothing, empty or full. You decide. With this number, you are given “a free pass,” so to speak. You’re being offered an enhanced dose of free will.

If you have a 0 Challenge, you can choose to amble idly along without a determined course or you can grab this profound opportunity to rise above your demons and achieve greatness. That is how powerful this energy can be for your Pinnacle. When you see a 0 in Numerology, it serves as an amplifier. To meet the challenge of the 0 vibration, you must have some sense of mastery over the constructive aspects of all the other numbers: independence, leadership, creativity, emotional self-expression, diplomacy, application, hard work, understanding, responsibility, wisdom, personal power, and humanitarian vision

It’s suggested that a person who has a 0 Challenge number on their journey is a well traveled soul, so the 0 offers opportunities for you to use your compilation of soul knowledge during your lifetime.

There’s great opportunity for expansion and growth under this Challenge. The obstacles you face during a 0 challenge may not be many or they may be coming at you from all directions. You can think of it this way: This is the Challenge of Choice. Therefore, choice feels more confusing and difficult during this period. The 0 is challenging you to have the utmost faith in your own abilities to the extent that you can form a healthy sense of detachment with which you can analyze a situation, make a choice, and then act on that choice with ease and comfort, unconcerned and neutral in feeling regarding the outcome.

Felicia Bender https://feliciabender.com/pinnacles-and-challenge-numbers/

And number four (for 60+more years!!):

When you’re met with a Number 4 Challenge, you are meant to learn about the value of discipline, organization, practicality, hard work, and thrift. Take this to heart: This isn’t an easy challenge. It’s full of restrictions and limitations that are demanding you learn how to succeed and work within these boundaries.

It’s also a time where you’re challenged with learning to set your own personal boundaries with others, learning to temper impatience, stubbornness, narrow-mindedness, and self-righteousness. With the 4 Challenge, you are being pulled to slow down, create a clear plan with obtainable goals, and then work tirelessly to achieve them.

The 4 Challenge also suggests a difficulty with work. Either you are challenged with not wanting to work at all, not liking the work you are “forced” to do, or problems completing tasks and working with efficiency. You may also exhibit tendencies to be careless and lack a sense of practicality. With this number, it’s difficult not only to focus on work and obligations, but equally as difficult even to see what the real issues surrounding work and obligations are. You might not feel that you’re being lazy. You might feel you’re just unlucky. Or make excuses about it. You get the idea.

With a 4 Challenge, it’s vital to learn patience, understanding, and the practical and effective way to deal with what you might consider mundane responsibilities. You’ll most likely also be challenged to learn the importance of working within the parameters of a time schedule, showing up on time and when you say you will, and managing your downtime constructively.

Felicia Bender https://feliciabender.com/pinnacles-and-challenge-numbers/

Revisiting my challenge numbers tonight gave me one of those blindingly obvious epiphanies, the kind containing knowledge that should have been accessible day to day throughout life. Perhaps it sounds a little nuts to even type this out loud (so to speak) on a blog about self growth and development and what not. Here it is anyway.

This isn’t a dress rehearsal – this is life. If I don’t step up now, I might never!

Tonight I realised with all of my being that if I do not put in the work, I will always be in this place of only talking about what I want to achieve. At some point, I need to stop talking about all the challenges I’ve overcome and all the things I have learned and actually do something with that shit. Seeing that I have 60 more years of the same damn lessons, I guess I’d better evolve. Like a Pokemon or something. Always the same Pokemon deep down, just a better version, wisening with experience, and only ready for play when freed from their little pokeball. What were they called again? pokepod? Pokedome? My talents are not in video game content writing, that’s for sure. I need to break out of my pokeball!

In other words…. step the fuck outside the box. Level up. DO SOMETHING!

Spring has made me powerfully aware that it is time to bloom. Single parenting has made me feel powerfully stuck in autumn and winter mode, though. Shedding and hibernating and eating lots of cake! Thats not strictly true, actually. I have actually been sweating rivers digging up my front garden, planting bulbs, painting fences, cleaning, clearing, rearranging and sorting out the house and trying to maintain my yoga, meditation and gratitude practices. I have been eating lots of cake though. The ‘healthy eating’ is so much of a struggle for me. The apple cider vinegar was seemingly triggering some weird histamine issue so I have stopped that to reset and I WILL RESUME. I have been using homeopathy to try and start off from a better place. I’ll write about that some other time – its been quite profound.

Writing that I WILL eat healthily has just reminded me of this old thing I used to write, where for years I wrote about stopping and starting and stopping and starting and stopping and starting smoking. I just couldn’t bloody stop, for the life of me. But I have now! For over 2 years, longest ever. So the moral of the story is that if I write about it for long enough, eventually I can do it. I WILL EAT WELL. I will do something with all of my hard work already clocked.

I have started to learn about gardening lately because I want a much more visually obvious manifesting lesson to my self: the more work you put in, the more rewards you reap. Simultaneously, nature reminds me that there are seasons for a reason. We can’t always hibernate and hide away eating pie. I want to see more instant results, more fruits of my labours. I am practicing my fours. Im getting ready to burst out of my pokeball and get in the poke-arena.

Incidentally, a few years ago I became aware of Brené Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability. I remembered watching it and thinking “this!!! This is exactly what I’ve been learning to do – having the courage to be imperfect and knowing I’m worthy of love and belonging”. I found her talk on Listening to Shame, years later, after having to try and understand why it was so hard to grow at times. This just popped into my head because all her work is marvellous and she now has a Netflix original program called the Call to Courage, which I watched the other night. Somehow this stranger lady is always there calling me out on my shit and inviting me to participate in my life more fully. And it is there on Netflix still, inviting us all to date greatly, and she based so much of her work on Theodore Roosevelt’s quote.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt, April 23, 1910

Time to get back in the arena and get my Pokemon on!

RPGs

I got a bit lost in the world of writing inactivity…. again! January went great with the self focus and February was a bit more of a challenge as I kept forgetting to do my gratitude practice. March has been the hardest by far, though, as I have sought to look at nutrition and healthy eating and activity practices. I planned to observe how the food I ate made me feel for a while and then set about changing things up, but as I am writing (and only as I am writing) I have realised why it was so hard. Focusing on what I was eating and how it made me feel is one of the most uncomfortable things I can do. It shows up how unhappy and how unhealthy I feel in my body and it shows up how little I feel like I have control. And I suppose, seeing as our bodies are the vehicles in which we journey through life, it is symbolically shows up how I feel about my place in the world.

I feel too big, too heavy, too tall, too masculine, too sweaty, too tired, too lethargic… I feel like I need to be different to what I am. Obviously there are lots of levels where I say ‘fuck that, that’s not OK, don’t talk to yourself like that’. Unfortunately it takes a bit more work than not eating cake to rewrite not only your internal script but decades of societal and familial pressure to ‘be’ a certain way. My body feels like it belongs to my nursing daughter, who isn’t particularly kind to my body, but neither am I! So yeah… this month was never going to be an easy month. I tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed to implement change, though if I am still here trying I suppose I haven’t failed at all! Hoorah!

Going back to the family line and societal pressures… way back behind what most would call family is our ancestral line. And there were places in history where ALL women were revered for their power, the magic of their bodies, their potency, their nurturance and their sheer Goddess embodiment. All people were revered for their being, but I am so powerfully disconnected from my femininity and body that I am focussing here. I was not planning to write about this at all… I was planning to write about candida overgrowth, but hey ho, my inner voice has a message for me!!

When we are not standing in our divine femininity, toxic masculine traits come up and play out – power struggles, aggression, closed mindedness, anger, paranoid analysis and so on. These are not ‘male’ traits, as in I say only men have them, but they are a toxic form of masculine energy that exists in all of us when out of balance. Just like in French there are masculine and feminine words, but they’re not men and women. We can see this playing out in the world arena too. There are women and men alike – misogynists and feminists alike – who are controlling and domineering, angry, power mad, greedy and narcissistic. It is a mentality for duality and separation. We have to work to embody our divinity with grace, each of us, and challenge the power struggles within us, each of us, before we can have balance everywhere outside.

I see the rise of ‘feminism’ is perhaps spiritually meant to be a rise in the divinely feminine characteristics (that can exist in all of us and all of nature) rather than women taking back power from men. The power over women that feminists are fighting is not as a result of only men, though many men have oppressed women for centuries, but it is a result of the toxic traits that exist on the masculine energy scale and which we can all embody. They are the same toxic traits that have controlled, abused, manipulated or oppressed any person, animal, plant or planet ever. I expect I’ll piss a lot of people off here with this vague simplification, but this is just the way I see things through my lens. We each have a unique perspective on any given thing based upon all that we have been through and learned, including our natural values, inclinations, conditioning and biases. I also struggle to ‘practice what I preach’ I don’t suppose any of us are right, or maybe we all are, but what matters most is that we must all learn to co-exist harmoniously if we all are to survive. Planet included.

I guess what my wiser self is trying to communicate to my less wise robot mode self that wanted to write about water kefir, is that if I truly want to understand this poor relationship to food, nurturance, nutrition, activity and shame, and this life full of power struggle, then I need to dig SOOOOOOO deep inside myself that I find my divinity and bring out the divinely feminine qualities that exist within me. The divinely masculine traits are then safe to rise in sequence. Just so that I can love myself into better habits. And better love those around me too.

I have a book called the Inner Goddess Makeover by Tanishka. I have had it for ages but its sat untouched on my bedroom drawers and I guess its time to dive deep! Perhaps what my soul is saying to me is that I have done enough on the surface to forge myself a path back to my truest truth and that the staircase is ready when I want it.

I wrote on my facebook account about deciding to stop doing month challenges and to start seeing it like a RPG where you have to master your player and develop new skills, overcome challenges, collect tools, utilise and help other players and the like. I am on Spring Level 1 so maybe I shall incorporate the 7 stages of this book into my RPG. I always used to get lost on Skyrim because it was so fucking massive and perhaps its because I had no plan. The world is a lot like Skyrim, I wish in that we had dragons and wizards, but actually because its a massive world and we have one main mission, but so, so, so many side missions and none of its wrong. We are still serving our purpose when we play all our side missions and we can jump on and off our main one at any time we choose. The point is we are meant to be enjoying it. And that’s the truest aim of the game. It is meant to be enjoyed, so i’m going to have more fun!

Very quickly… I am now here: daily Yoga, daily gratitude practice by way of a gratitude jar, daily apple cider vinegar (WOW!!!!!!!! This stuff is the shit!), and trying each day to make better food choices. I’m also starting to make my own water kefir for probiotics. This is all much easier now because the vinegar is killing off a candida overgrowth in my gut, which has improved my mood, energy, focus and sugar cravings in a way that blew my mind. The nutrition is going to have to be an ongoing mission to come to understand my own individual body needs (i’m learning all about vitamin and mineral balances and such). Just writing this for future posterity for the other versions of my self pahaha. I’ve been working to this: Natural Healing for Beginners Guide.

I hadn’t decided what my new RPG should be called but I think its probably going to become the Goddess Makeover.

FUCKING BOOM!

Absent Progress

Usually when I disappear from my ‘duties’ (like this is a duty, ha!), it’s because I am stagnating and not really committing to myself properly. For once, I’ve actually been upping my game fractionally every day on the self worth commitment front. Is my life better? No, i’m still grumpy and miserable and stressed and I moan and bitch all the time. Perhaps I could even say things feel a little bit worse, but that isn’t true. All that has happened through this process so far is that I have become more aware of what I am creating mindlessly. I am yet to return to a level of control over what I am making manifest in my life, but awareness and acceptance is a first step, as they say.

I am aware that I look for or expect the worst, I panic, I blame, I give up or don’t even start, I don’t believe myself or others (less of this latter one) capable of something big or small… I am basically a fucking doomer. I don’t feel unwell, I don’t feel really low… I just feel disconnected from my happy, wholesome source. And my absent progress is that every day I am doing something to step closer towards my core. There will come a time, as there has in the past, when I will be able to do this at the flip of a switch. I don’t feel there yet, and another thing that’s changed is I am more ok with that… I am more accepting of where I am at. Life can be better but I am taking steps to make it so.

January saw me do “Yoga With Adriene’s Dedicate 30 day Yoga Challenge”. 

I stuck to it every single day. I had my daughter jumping on my ribs, pooping frequently, crying or doing her best to sabotage it. I saw it as an opportunity to continue to do my best to commit to myself even when everything feels against me and I learned a lot of things along the way. I highly recommend that woman’s work – she is beautifully in touch with what needs to happen for us to better connect with our purpose, and what she teaches us about our bodies applies all over our lives. I am still doing her yoga videos every day and I continue to do so for the rest of 2019 and beyond. Or yoga daily at least, maybe I won’t need videos eventually. So far I have only missed one day, because I forgot about it.

For February I have added in a daily gratitude practice. Every day I have been writing in some depth about something I am grateful for and the impact of that thing, or lack of, in my life and the life of others. I also will be starting up my gratitude jar any day now – I am sucking at this because its hard to put it somewhere the baby can’t reach but that will remind me. I will do better.

My intention is that for every month of 2019, I will implement a new thing to my life to go on top of the previous things. Some are actually old but forgotten. Some things I think I would like to do in coming months are to go for a walk every day, cook healthier meals, practice meditation (in multiple forms), be creative, do something kind, help the planet, meaningful connection etc. I hope to build up a healthier way of being and living and doing everything in my life month on month, adding a new ‘thing’ on top of the previous ones every month. A foundation of self worth, compassion, productivity and well being, built up gradually so it doesn’t feel impossibly difficult.

I have also started writing my fiction novel. I haven’t gotten very far, and I only manage a couple of a5 pages each time, because somehow my daughter can tell (even in sleep) that I am writing and then she wakes up. She has done so once already as I write this. But it is a start, and I feel good for having done it… for having done something… for having woken up my imagination!

The final thing I have been up to is going to Oxford University for a seminar with the Faculty of Law. It was on ‘consent to vaginal examinations in labour and birth’. It was majorly intense and a little bit traumatic, but I was glad to be invited and included, for my voice to matter; to have an opportunity to put right what failed me and what fails other women so frequently. It was full of remarkable people – other women like me, professionals, academics, activists and world changers. I will speak more on it when I can, when their papers are published and when there is more momentum, & when I am ready to share my story more. It doesn’t feel like an important time to tell it here. Not yet, anyway. I had some closure from a very long complaint too, which ended far more favourably than I could have hoped.

If you take one thing away from this rambling pile of twaddle, let if be that we are worthy of however long it takes to do whatever it takes to get to what feels good inside ourselves again. We start with acceptance of where we are at. We work through the discomfort of acknowledging all of the ways in which we are self destructive. Then slowly, bit by bit by bit, we rebuild into a healthier, happier and more whole version of who we always were. Underneath the accumulated baggage, suffering & burden of who we thought we were, there is the brightest, most soulful, powerful, courageous and fulfilled badass motherfucker that we have always been at heart.

But until then… I am sucking it up and trying my best to get on with remembering.

PS. I also just watched this on Netflix “Heal”

PPS. So now I am going to work with this to heal my trauma: “EFT”

PPPS. The photo above is of Tolkien’s bedroom window at Oxford Uni and I was so bloody excited to look at it. Feels a bit dorky now, though.

Obstacles

I have had a burning desire to write for days but feel like I have absolutely fuck all to say. I feel pretty void of meaning at the moment and am still struggling to commit. Writing a big ol’ blog post about self selecting to partake in changing the world kinda put more pressure on the public nature of this ‘awakening’ shit.

Eughhhhhh!!

Here is the score.

I can commit to keeping the baby alive and happy, cleaning the house and feeding us decent stuff and going somewhere a few times a week. I can maintain this with ease. Some days the baby doesn’t make it possible for me to feed us and for me to shower too, though. Sometimes I can shower and dry my hair. Others a very quick wash is managed. Lately I’ve been trying to follow a 30 day yoga program and there is zero relaxation to the sudden smell of poo and a child jumping all over your plank. But I’m ploughing on. Some days are better than others. Most nights lately I can’t step away from her when she sleeps, because she wakes. I can’t make too much sound near her, because she wakes. Daytime naps are much the same. Some weeks I can put the bins out. Some weeks it’s easy to get up the town and buy nicer groceries for better meals. Occasionally I can make an effort with looking after myself more externally with clothes or make up or hair straighteners. Some days I need to see other adults and choose between that and any other of the above in a variety of arrangements but I can never do all the things I want or need. Sorting out the house that still doesn’t feel very loved? The laundry? The garden? Crikey. Writing? fuck… I don’t even know where to add that in, because I used to have a set sort of method for encouraging the motivation to do it. Ive had loads of exciting ideas bubbling up but they dramatically disappear whenever my brain finds reasons that I can make space to use them.

The method, or recipe, doesn’t work anymore.

Life gets in the damn way of self care. Or do we get in our own way? Or is it both?

I need to develop better strategies for maximising the time I do have to look after myself and cultivate ‘space’ in my heart and mind for well being. For ‘being’ something other than chaos and mother and despondent frumpy whinging bitch.

So tonight I hid my phone under the sofa, put some really chilled music on and just immersed myself in engaging with and observing my daughter. I did it really mindfully and paid attention to my breath, to my body. I employed all my senses to experience the whole thing completely and I ended up in floods of tears, just completely overwhelmed by how big the space in my heart is when I let myself sink into it. I felt so much joy just totally focusing on being as present in that beautiful moment with her. I saw her shift too, like she felt me change gears. Like she felt me grind still and just feel calm in a way I don’t all that often.

It’s so hard to be alone for most of the time whilst looking after such a small, demanding, bright and chaotic tiny human. It’s so so hard to do that whilst trying to meaningfully look after yourself. Every ‘technique’ I have for cultivating better self care has always required freedom and space and time to my self and other things that I just can’t bloody have all that often and it occasionally feels like a prison…

..but I’m reminded of what else I had before that I’m not using now and that’s my expansive heart and mind working together and for me, not against. The story I’ve been telling myself is of feeling trapped and waiting to look after myself when I’m more able but that’s not serving me. That’s a bullshit bail out excuse to avoid putting in work. I had years of training and working at being solutions focused, supporting people to change their lives their way. Working with what they were good, building on what they had to start with… that’s all I need to do…

I need to see things differently, maximise what I do have, find ways to adapt what I used to do to my new ‘routine’ (or lack of). What’s that goal bollocks people use? SMART goals is it? I need to do some of that! I also have to Google what it bloody stands for because I can’t remember.

My life has felt like it’s been on hold for two years. Just waiting and waiting and waiting for one thing after the other and then another and another. Always waiting. I need some more ‘now’ in my life. I don’t need massive things to change, I just need some awareness and some presence. I need to create some space to stop waiting and to start being. Being what? Being whole. I feel so spread out. I don’t want to be someone else,.I don’t feel like I’m not good enough, I don’t feel like I have to wait for happiness and all that crap, I just feel completely tapped out from never being here. Right now.

I just want to whine and whine in this blog, man. So very inspiring!! I don’t like writing on my phone. I want a pen and paper or my laptop but for paper I need light, which wakes her ladyship and the keyboard is too loud, which wakes her ladyship. If I try and write when she’s awake she steals the pen or becomes upset if I won’t give her the laptop. I need to let the writing swallow me up or the words don’t flow and I simply can’t just ignore her like that. Having people in my space and having to talk to them and prepare to go and have space alone just puts too much pressure and stress onto what used to feel like a fulfilling, inspired and enjoyable writing experience.

I’m feeling rather burned out at the moment I think! The chiropractor I’ve been seeing has been doing lots of work on my shoulders today so perhaps I’m emotionally feeling the physical burden being release from my body.

Permission granted to myself to end this blog without feeling like I’ve said something meaningful. It’s ok to say ‘fuck, having an intense time trying to navigate life and making it work for me’. Maybe next post I will have worked on some strategies to share.

So far she’s woken up twice crying just because I was sat up to write in the dark instead of laying down…I can’t write lying down either… It doesn’t flow. Nothing really feels like it flows at the moment!

Who You Are

I know I keep harping on about them, but I’m still reading those books. I’ve nearly finished the fourth of the trilogy (there were only meant to be three) and I am loving the confirmation of what I’ve always felt I knew and understood but couldn’t articulate. The remembering of our truth. Of who we are and what we are trying to do…

They’re setting off fireworks in my heart and soul. Rejoicing at feeling closer to a home state, not a suffering, powerless and pointless one.

Our aim is simply to experience the grandest vision of our reality we can manage,and to keep enlarging that as our awareness of truth increases. Our aim is to be create the best design for life we can come up with. Literally … No limits. Apart from the walls we’ve built around ourselves and our knowing.

Book four…. An invitation to self identify as someone willing to awaken the species by publicly awakening themselves. Not because they’re better than others, but simply because they can and aren’t afraid to show the dirty, scary, messy route to realising were perfect as we are – the key to manifesting any change we desire.

I accept the invitation, God! Do you guys?

I want to know Who I truly Am. I want to experience my divinity. I want to evolve and unite with a collective conscious effort to create a greater, the greatest even, imagining we can for humanity. I’m happy to show anyone all the ways I have been exactly what I’m not to enable me to understand better who I am. Fumble along with me!

What if we all just view 2018, a master 11 year for numerology, as a lesson in what comes to us when we are not being true to our grandest vision of self. Where are we limiting ourselves? How? Where can we expand our minds and hearts to seek a bigger, vaster, more joyful, imperfectly perfect and magnificently, magically, magnetic 2019?

Did you love yourself fiercely enough? Did you take all opportunities? Did you surrender fear and invite courage into your heart? Did you let that shit go so you don’t have to carry it any more? Did you take a stand and say I AM WORTHY? Did you experience your strength? Did you uncover your deepest secrets?

Did you create masses and masses and masses and masses of space in your life in 2018? Are you feeling empty and lost? Lonely? Afraid? Maybe even stuck or stranded? Are you struggling to believe that change is coming for you after such a challenging year?

If this is speaking to you then it’s time. No more excuses, no more quitting on yourself. That space was made to fill yourself of all the things you were born to be and do. It is time. It is your time,it is our time. It is now!

This is what we have been waiting for….

Are you ready?

Steady..

GO, THIRSTY HEART!

Time to lead the way.

Ps. We all are following this path and what hurts us, hurts others. What hurts them hurts us. We are one… One great big thirsty heart and I raise a glass to all of us.